IT HAS STARTED...

This from one of the leaders of al-Qaeda:

"Muslims in Pakistan, and especially their clerics, should prepare themselves and rise up to perform the duty of fighting the Pakistani army and the rest of the apparatus that are the pillars of their tyrannical state. The criminals in the Pakistani government and its army have not only been a cover for the occupying crusader infidels in Afghanistan, they have directly helped them in committing all their crimes in Afghanistan and elsewhere."

US ADDICTS OPPOSE OBAMA'S AFGHAN SURGE

American military commanders, under the direction of the White House, are planning to try to cut off the Taliban's main source of money, Afghanistan's multimillion-dollar opium crop.

It's Obama's version of the surge. Twenty-thousand Army and Marines pulled out of Iraq and sent straight to the poppy fields of Helmand, Kandahar and Zabul Provinces this summer. US Commanders estimate months of heavy fighting. They have no doubt the Taliban will vigorously defend what makes up the economic engine for the insurgency.



Lots of people around the world will be rooting for the Taliban: the usual suspects, North Koreans, Iranians, Palestinians, Cubans, Venezuelans, Islamic Fundies.

Expect one other group to pile on as well. Guess who? That's right, American drug users. God forbid their supply be cut off. That would be a disaster. According to the UN World Drug Report 2008:

When taken together, opiate use in North, Central and South America
and the Caribbean, is estimated to affect 2.2 million persons. This is
equivalent to 13% of all opiate users in the world in 2006. The largest
opiate market in this region is the USA with approximately 1.2 million
heroin users.

Makes you feel all warm inside, doesn't it, knowing we got 1,200,000 Jane Fondas running around pulling for the other side? Oh well! I guess that's democracy in action.

MARRIAGE - IOWA STYLE...

When I voted for Obama, I expected the gay marriage thing to be handled with dignity, class, style and taste. Instead, what I'm seeing is an endless string of bucktoothed country rubes who look like they're stopping off to take a leak at a service station on their way to a fish fry at the Odd Fellows lodge...

PAKISTAN HASN'T CHANGED IN 10 YEARS...

Scroll back to 2001. Here's a Life Magazine photo from Pakistan. You see a Mullah standing on a soapbox (how appropriate!) addressing the crowd. Seems he's got a hair up his ass about cable TV's content being way too sexual. Especially those Mary Tyler Moore Show reruns. I never liked MTM. Rhoda was a skank and Phyllis had all those kinky fantasies about Lars. That show should have been banned in America...

GIVE SOMALIA TO THE KENYANS & ETHIOPIANS...

The following column recently appeared in a Kenyan newspaper:


Not very long ago, Lehman Brothers and Merrill Lynch, the world's foremost investment banks, went bankrupt and we witnessed the the beginning of the financial chaos now affecting us all.

On another day, down the page from the news on the financial bail-out in Washington, we read about a rag-tag army of 50 semi-naked men on rickety boats capturing a ship off the coast of Somalia with a cargo of Russian-made tanks, rocket-propelled grenades and anti-aircraft guns.

The capture of MV Faina and the stalemated talks amid the surrounding American and Russian warships made me think that maybe this is the time to find a final solution to the Somali problem. Maybe this is the time to consider annexation.



Since 1960, Somalia has been a lawless state, a haven for pirates. The pirates have told us the destination of the captured weaponry on the MV Faina is the government of Southern Sudan. Southern Sudan is the rebel coalition fighting for freedom for Darfur. This news caused tension and panic in Washington, Nairobi and Khartoum.

I am a fervent supporter of a strategic foreign policy even if it attracts us the enmity of such malevolent and despotic regimes as that of Khartoum. Supporting the Southern Sudan government is in our long-term strategic interest and we should not shy from it.

Annexing Somalia is thus in our strategic interest and we must do it now as the financial meltdown continues to take away the attention of the world. Somalia as a state exists only in world maps. It is a classic case of a failed state. It is a state dismembered into as many independent units as there are sub-clans. The Horn of Africa country has no functioning government. The so-called transitional federal government is confined to a shell-shocked presidential compound. There is no standing or even sitting army or judicial system. By all accounts, Somalia is a black hole in international law.

Kenya has been a victim of Somalia, leading to near-destruction of its tourism industry. We cannot afford this to continue. We have the potential to develop our tourism to compete with, if not outpace, Egypt and South Africa. But we cannot do so if Somalia continues to be a non-state.

Somalia neighbours Kenya and Ethiopia. Ethiopia and Kenya have strategic interest in Somalia and ought to dismember Somalia and divide it between themselves along the 4 degrees latitude line, each taking all the land below or above it.

The division will make both countries extend their territories by roughly 300,000 sq km and additional populations of about five million. Once Kenya and Ethiopia have sent their combined army to Somalia and declared the annexation, we will present to the world a fait accompli.

In 1845, America annexed Texas from Mexico and forced the Texan legislature to pass a specific legislation stating that it accepted the annexation. The annexation has stood to date. For Kenya and Ethiopia, having the Somali legislature endorse the annexation will be a cake-walk.

At any given time, most, if not all, Somali legislators are in Nairobi jamming our shopping malls and night clubs. We will simply have them convene in one of our hotels and to pass the appropriate statutes dividing their country in half right after afternoon tea but before evening happy hour.

Our cost of annexing Somalia will be settled by Mogadishu. Somalia is known to have huge deposits of oil, natural gas, uranium and iron ore. Immediately after the annexation, we will invite our strategic foreign friends to come and exploit the resources for us.

International law forbids the use of force by states against the territorial integrity and political independence of others. Somalia has neither territorial integrity nor political independence. When you get right down to it, Somalia is dead in the water, all engines shut down. Not to put too fine a point on it, but the average Somali lacks even a nail with which to scratch his ass.

The law also recognises irreversible processes like the extinction of states such as in the USSR, emergence of new states from former USSR and Yugoslavia, and annexations like that of Texas. International order hates reversing completed processes, more so if the world is made a better place. If Kenya and Ethiopia annex Somalia, the world will be ipso facto better. Guaranteed.

If we do not annex Somalia now, we will be a victim of its failed status and pulled down by it. We will not be able to achieve our strategic foreign policy in the region.

The time to annex and dismember Somalia is now. Washington and Moscow (and every country whose sailors were hostages of the pirates) will be grateful.

CARRIE PREJEAN & PEREZ HILTON or Beauty & the Beast...

So lemme get this straight...

This aging homosexual (pictured below) asks the reigning Miss California if she'd consider marrying a gay man...



She takes one look at him and says, "Not if they look like you. Now get out of my face, you dumb bitch!"

I probably got a few minor details wrong, but that was the gist of it. Right?

Oh, by the way, this is Miss California...

MORE DIE, AMERICA DIE...

Here's another reason why America should die. Sooner rather than later.





The above was the headline in Friday's Orange County Register. Let me repeat that. This was the headline. The lead article on the front page. Not Obama in Mexico. Not the return to the USA of the hijacked crew of the Maersk Alabama. No siree. The lead story was about Steve Rocco's conviction for stealing a bottle of ketchup.

For those of you not familiar with Orange County doings, I will summarize. Steve Rocco is a weirdo. He lives in an actual house, but he masquerades as a homeless man. He likes to role play his several versions of homelessness on the streets and byways of the OC.

Another thing. He likes to run for public office. It's a little game he plays. By sheer accident, he won a school board election in 2004. It was a bit of a shock to the people who take schools seriously but everyone survived, more or less.

By 2008, his fifteen minutes of fame had come and gone and Rocco was relegated to the unfamiliar role of former Orange Unified School Board Trustee. In other words, back to street theatre homelessness, complete with a bicycle and a bag of empty cans.

And you'd think that would be the end of it. You'd think things would play out like they do in normal universes where the Steve Roccos live their lives of quiet (or even not-so-quiet) desperation in relative obscurity until they have their obligatory heart attack and shuffle off this mortal coil. But the OC is not a normal universe. The people who run things here are as weird as the people they lock up. If you don't believe me, go talk to Nativo Lopez and those of his ilk.

So it was more than sheer coincidence that Rocco and the anti-Roccos would continue crossing paths in bizarro ways. Don't believe me? Want proof? Sherman, set the Wayback Machine for September, 2008.

Ahh, there we are. Mid-morning on an idyllic September Saturday. Oh! What's that we see? Chapman University security officers spot Rocco hanging around the campus. They keep an eye on him. Oh oh! They see him swipe a 14-oz. plastic bottle of Heinz Ketchup from a table outside the dining area, conceal it and pedal away on his bike. They catch up with him (who knows why), place him under citizens arrest (again, who knows why) and call the Orange police, who cite him for petty theft.

Like the idiot he is, Rocco demands a jury trial. And like the idiots they are, the people who run the OC government say, "Sure. Okay. Why not?" They say this even though the District Attorney's Office estimates a four-day jury trial would cost taxpayers thousands of dollars.

Of course he was convicted of stealing the ketchup. His fingerprints were all over the bottle. It was an open-and-shut case. For those of you lame enough to want all the details, here they are.

And finally, the capper. A remarkably stupid comment that could only have emanated from the lips of a dyed-in-the-wool Orange Countian. Susan Kang Schroeder, designated spokeshole for the Orange County District Attorney's Office, stated after the smashing victory for the forces of condiment justice everywhere, "Our goal all along was to protect Chapman and their property rights."

Oh just fuck you, Susan. Just fuck you.