MY LESBIAN PLAY...

Cast of Characters

Joan..................Female, age mid 20s
Toni....................Female, age early 20s

Technical Requirements

A sofa, a chair, 2 doors, sound-effect of a Christmas party in next room

(Inside a room. Sounds of a Christmas party in the next room. Two doors. One door leads to party. The other leads to a bathroom. JOAN paces, drink in her hand. She sips nervously,
glances at watch)

JOAN:

Toni. Come on. Please, Toni. Please don't be late. Please don't be late for this. Toni, come on. I need you, Toni. Come on, Toni. Toni, walk through that door. Now.
(Sends telepathic message to door)
Door opens. Toni enters. Joan sighs.
(Snaps finger, sees nothing has changed)
Darn!
(Sits, takes out cellphone)
Love stinks. Sometimes.
(Dials. Listens)
Toni, where are you? Toni, please pick up. People are waiting. I'm waiting. Mitch is waiting. No, darn you! I. I will not leave a message!

(Door opens, laughing voices, clinking glasses.
Enter TONI, dressed Goth/Industrial,
with drink in hand)

TONI:

They're serving cuba libres out there.

JOAN:

Well, hi stranger.

TONI:

So. You were trying to call me?

JOAN:

Yes.

TONI:

Lost my phone.

JOAN:

Lost your phone?

TONI:

Yeah. Gonzo. Like into thin air.

JOAN:

How?

TONI:

Dunno. It was there one minute and.
(Drains glass)
Dog ate it, I guess.
(Laughs. Holds up empty glass)
Oh oh. Empty. Gotta go refresh.

JOAN:

Toni.

TONI:

Yeah?

JOAN:

No more after this.

TONI:

Yeah. Right.

JOAN:

I mean it, Toni. No more after this one. You know how you.

TONI:

Listen, I don't need this from you. I work fucking hard. Between Jerry Bonneau and that weasel Simon riding my ass, I earned me some R & R. Now back off.

JOAN:

I know you work har.

TONI:

No, you don't. And don't say you do when you don't. And don't gimme no speech. It's Christmas. It's okay at Christmas. I'm just one of Santa's fucking elves. Just waiting for the sleigh to pass by so I can jump on. What's the matter? Never seen a fucking elf?

JOAN:

Okay. Sure. Go. Go refresh.

TONI:

Fucking A.

(Opens door, laughing voices, clinking
glasses. TONI exits)

JOAN:

(Walks to an imaginary mirror. Mimes
brushing her hair)
We get one supremely magic night and we spend the remainder of our days trying to resurrect it. A part of us says, forget it, the effort is futile, while another part thinks our case might be the unique one. The exception to the rule. So we keep on keeping on, hoping against hope. That's how it is with magic. Even so, you could have said something. It wouldnt have cost you to say something. I wish you had. It hurt you didnt notice I bought a pretty dress. And a pretty pair of heels. I recall I was dressed like this the night we.
(Trails off. A short silence while
she collects her thoughts)
I so want things to be perfect tonight. I so want you to be proud of me. Why did you say nothing?

(Door opens, laughing voices, clinking glasses.
TONI re-enters carrying two drinks)

TONI:

Got you a fresh Shirley Temple.

JOAN:

Thank you.

TONI:

(Holds her drink in front of her close to her.
Covers top of glass with her hand)
Look uh. I'm sorry.

JOAN:

It's okay.

TONI:

No. It's not okay. Look, I'll just kind of nurse this one along. Okay?

JOAN:

Okay.

TONI:

Nurse. Nursing a drink. I wonder where that came from.

JOAN:

I don't know.

TONI:

You're the word girl. You know all the words. Why we say what they say. I just thought you might know.

JOAN:

No. Sorry.

TONI:

(Takes sip)
Bogart said the world's always three drinks behind. Did you know that?

JOAN:

No.
(Silence. Then......)
I'm thinking.

TONI:

Yeah?

JOAN:

Thinking about New York.

TONI:

Yeah, think. Hey, I got one. Who said, "What we think, we are?"

>JOAN:

Did you hear me?

TONI:

Yeah. You said New York. And I said, who said, what we think, we are?

JOAN:

I'm thinking about going back to New York.

TONI:

Guess.

JOAN:

I dont want to guess.

TONI:

I said guess.

JOAN:

No.

TONI:

Dammit, who said, What we think, we are?

JOAN:

Oh for God's sake. Kennedy.

TONI:

Which Kennedy?

JOAN:

I don't know! Toni, I'm going to New.

TONI:

I heard. Three times. We're not going to New York!

JOAN:

No, I'm going.

TONI:

No, you're not.

JOAN:

Why are you saying no? You don't want me.

TONI:

This is how it starts. When she wants to mix it up, she starts with the you don't want me.

JOAN:

You're dressed like we're going to a Goth club. You can't touch me without getting drunk. I bore you.

TONI:

And then she says bored. She doesn't know bored. I know bored. You want bored? Here's bored. Trivial Pursuit. Disco. Sushi. That's bored. Everything else is a fucking huge galactic extravaganza, so awesome it makes me come just thinking about it.

JOAN:

I dreamt I was in a cage. And you were watching me. I said, Toni, touch me and you looked away.

TONI:

Then she trots out the dreams and the psychic shit. I touch her. Sometimes I touch her. See?
(Touches JOAN's arm. She jerks her
arm away)
You're not going.

JOAN:

Yes. I am.

TONI:

No. Case closed.

JOAN:

You won't stop me.

TONI:

Buddha!

JOAN:·

I mean it.

TONI:

It was Buddha!

JOAN:

This is dying. This thing. This thing we have. It's dying. I'm dying. You're dying. We're dying.

TONI:

Look at me. Do I look like I'm dying? It was Buddha. Buddha said, What we think, we are. Now Buddha's a stupid fat fuck. And what's worse, a stupid-looking fat fuck. A stupid-looking fat fuck who sits and jacks off. Look how he sits. Crosslegged on the floor. With that shit-eating grin. That's the jackoff position. But every so often, the fat boy comes up with a gem. Something simple. Something clean. What we think, we are.
(Takes a sip. Sees her glass is half-full)
Hey, guess what? I think I'm a drink. I'm gonna have them kind of top me off. You okay with that?

(Starts to exit)

JOAN:

Please, Toni. Please don't upset Mitch.

TONI:

Brother Mitch can bite me.

(TONI opens door, laughing voices, clinking glasses. TONI exits)

JOAN:

(Walks to imaginary mirror. Takes out
handkerchief and dabs her makeup)
I went to see Mitch last week. I didn't tell you. I wanted to see how we stood. He's not like you say, Toni. He's nice, he's a gentleman, he makes you feel important when he's talking to you. And he listens. I like that. He said, thank you, Joan. I was taken aback! Thank you? Thank you for what? Thank you, he said, for bringing some sanity to my sister's life. Thank you. Wow! That was a shocker. It's been a while since anyone said thank you to poor Joannie.

(Door opens, laughing voices, clinking glasses.
TONI enters carrying two drinks)

TONI:

See? Still sober. Got you a fresh Shirley Temple.

JOAN:

I just don't want you being sick.

TONI:

Don't start on me, Joan. Mitch says we go in ten.

JOAN:

No.

TONI:

Okay, fine. Make it twenty minutes.

JOAN:

No.

TONI:

What do you mean, no?

JOAN:

I mean.

TONI:

No way you're standing me up with Mitch out there. That dickhead would ride me till my dying day.

JOAN:

Toni. Toni, please. Lets just.

TONI:

No! Were gonna do this. No is not an option. You're gonna back me up. Remember, you're on my side.
(Drinks half her glass)
We're gonna go out, hand in hand, just like we said. I'm gonna look at you and smile and say bla-bla-bla.

JOAN:

(Starts slowly backing toward the bathroom)
No.

TONI:

(Advancing toward her, hand outstretched)
Yes. You're gonna smile and flutter your eyelashes.

JOAN:

(Backing away more)
No.

TONI:

(Advancing)
Yes. Mitch is gonna grin from ear to ear. All the guestie-guests are gonna go, awwww, ain't that sweet?

JOAN:

(Backing)
No.

TONI:

(Advancing)
Yes. Now come on, let's do it. Let's roll.··

JOAN:

(slips inside bathroom)
No.

TONI:

Hey come on. Don't do this to me.
(Sound of door locking)
Oh shit, she did it.
(Knocks on door)
Joan. Come on. Come on out. Joan, please, we got to do this thing. We got to do this thing right now. Mitch is getting everybody ready. We gotta be there. Cause this is for us. They can't have it without us. So please come on out.
(Pounds on door)
Damn it, Joan! You can't leave me alone and naked! You get your ass out here and stand by me.
(Silence, then......)
We have good times. Sometimes we do. Good times. Fun times. Maybe not like we used to. But. Well. Right now there's this one thing. She wants me to go to meetings. She won't go. Says I'm the one with the problem. So I have to go. Well, they. They want you to go together to these things. Someone's gonna say, wheres your mate? And see, I'd have to invent something. Well, I'm not going to do that. I don't make up stories. That's not my way.
(Knocks softly on bathroom door)
Uh look, I'm sorry. Sorry I'm drunk. Sorry I rained on your parade. I know, I know. Don't have to say it. I'm like one of those jerks who dances with his wife maybe once every ten years and has to be shitfaced to do it. I'm clumsy, awkward. I fall over stuff. I don't know how to act. Sure, I admit it. Like a bull in a China shop. All thumbs? Yeah, that's me. A stumbler? A bumbler? You got my number. But you gotta remember, Joan. You picked me. Out of all the women you could have picked, you picked Toni. And, let me tell you, I want to thank you. I know I don't show it so good, but I want you to know it's an honor to be with you. To know people are saying, You see her? That's Toni. Her and that Joan chick got a thing going. They all talk about how Joan is so cool, so reserved, so controlled. And I have to tell you it drives me a little crazy sometimes. Like I don't know how to act around you. I'm like the clang and the bang and the crash on the the edge of your calm. I need your calm. I need you touching me so I know it's okay. I need some rules so I don't act stupid. I don't need someone to stand back and watch me fall on my face and say, Just look at her. That's Toni, that dumb bitch. I'm scared, Joan. I need you. I need you with me. I need you next to me. I need you now.

(Door opens. JOAN enters)

JOAN:

Say. Youre Toni, aren't you?

TONI:

Yeah, that's me. I'm Toni.

JOAN:

Don't you and that Joan chick have something going?

TONI:

Yeah, we sure do. She's some gem.

JOAN:

Thats what I heard. I heard she's a gem. I heard you two are doing the thing tonight.

TONI:

You heard that?

JOAN:

Everyone's heard. Talk of the town. Christmas Eve commitments are special.

TONI:

Yeah. That was Joan's idea. Shes smart that way.

JOAN:

She must be. Well, I just had to come. I hope I'm not late.

TONI:

(Offering arm)
You're right on time. It's just about to start. Grab onto me. I'll escort you in. You'll get the best seat in the house.

JOAN:

Thank you.

TONI:

Oh, say.

JOAN:

Yes?

TONI:

That's a nice dress. Nice shoes too. Real classy.

JOAN:

Thank you.

(They walk together arm in arm. Blackout)

The End