Of course, it ain't gonna happen. Even if they passed the most draconian laws, with penalties like flogging, branding and beheading, the cellphone nazis would figure out a way to get their way.
The women are the worst. Don't you just hate those mindless bitches yammering away about NOTHING and forcing you to LISTEN to them?
They should all be sent to Iraq as sex slaves. Except they would bore everyone to death. Hey! That's it! Send them to the war zones. Let them kill Al-Qaeda with their lame phone talk.
Face it. You can't fight these people. The best modus vivendi is to satirize them and move on, knowing in your heart that, no matter what, you are better than they in every way.
I wrote a play about life with cellphones. It got some productions. More importantly, it got laughs. Which was my intention. By laughs, I mean laugh at, not laugh with...
THE HALF-EATEN CHILIDOG
Character BreakdownShe.............................................female, twenty-something
Technical RequirementsMattress, table, chair, 2 matching keychains, 2 cellphones, attache case, suitcase, overnight bag.
(She enters vacation cabin.
Sets overnight bag on
table. Sits at table.
Gets comfortable by
stages. Begins writing
letter. Suddenly stops.
Thinks better of writing
and instead takes out
her cell phone)
Yeah s'me again
Really really me again
Really really really me and guess what?
I made it. I'm here
Made it all the way
I know I know what I said
Hey, I know I remember
Hey, I can change my mind, OK?
Look, I know what I said
But that was 20 minutes ago
That was a different phone call.
That was then
This is now
New call, new rules.
That was back at Der Wienerschnitzel
When I stopped to get a chilidog
And I was thinking
There you go again.
Another five pounds
See what happens?
You leave your workout group
The bad habits come right back
Like they never left.
Well guess what?
So I threw the chili dog away
Half eaten counts.
Yes, it does.
Stop it Janey.
The important thing is
I didn't turn around
And drive back
And camp out
In your living room
Like a big fraidy cat
I am really really here
And it's really
Really kind of
I mean actually kind of not bad
I mean hey it's
Not Corona Del Mar
Not La Jolla. Not Newport Beach
Or someplace out there with the
Hoity toity rich and famous
It's kinda cool
In a blah kinda way
And I'm uh
Oops thought I lost you there, Janey
Janey, thanks so much for finding this place for me.
You are the bestest best friend
In the whole wide world and.
What's it like?
You wanna know what it's like here?
Well uh the house is like uh nothing
Just four walls and a mattress on the floor
And a table
And a chair
Whats the word? Basic? Yeah basic. But nice.
And the beach outside is kind of deserted
I mean everybody's gone
When they say off season around here
Even the really smelly bums leave
Not one hard male body in miles
So really it's kinda really really peaceful
I can breathe again
Don't you say that
Don't you even think that
Listen to me
Wendell is over.
Wendell is over, history
What I need what I need what I need now
What I need right now is a place with some space
For a soft landing.
What I need is a week with no men
No no no!!
Don't you dare tell Wendell where I am
If you do, I'll tell that pimply boy at Starbucks
You want his baby. I swear I will, Janey.
Now be sure to thank Matthew for letting me stay here
What? Not Matthew? His name's not Matthew? It's Brett?
Then why do I keep calling him Matthew?
I mean Brett isn't even close to Matthew.
Blonde moment. Duh! Whatever.
All I know is I don't want to see any Toms, Dicks, Harrys, Wendells, Bretts or Matthews. No men. Not here. Not now.
(HE enters with an old
beat up suitcase and an
old beat up attaché case.
HE is very surprised to
see her, unpleasantly so)
Uh Janey. Janey! A man just walked in.
What? No, Im not making things up. I'm telling you a man just walked in here. And he has a key and a suitcase.
(SHE holds up her key.
HE holds up his key.
They are exactly
His key looks just like mine. Janey, this is not good. This is not good at all.
HE:(He glares, takes out
his cellphone and
Brett? Just got here. What the hell gives?
SHE:Janey, he's calling that Brett person.
HE:Who's the chick?
SHE:I am trying to ignore him. But he's loud. Really really loud.
HE:Oh right, her. Whaddaya mean, Oh right, her?
SHE:Oh oh. I just went from a chick to an oh her.
HE:You better have a game plan, sport.
SHE:Oh oh. Now they're huddling.
HE:Negative. She can't stay here. No way. I got the bar exam on Thursday. I need absolute quiet.
SHE:Uhhh Janey, did Brett actually like know I was coming?
HE:OK. So tell me this. Where's she gonna sleep?
SHE:Uhhhh. What do you mean, he uh kinda knew?
HE:No way. I'm not responsible. What if she gets pregnant?
SHE:(Holds up key)
So you're saying this is Sheryl's key?
HE:What if she has a disease and dies?
SHE:Uhhh, Janey, just who exactly is Sheryl?
HE:Look sport, do you have insurance?
SHE:Sheryl's his ex? Sheryl is Brett's ex?
HE:All I know is, it's your ass if she.
SHE:Do I know this Sheryl? Did I ever meet her?
HE:(Brandishes a signed
Did she sign a contract?
SHE:Monica knows Sheryl???
HE:(Brandishes a deposit
Did she pay a deposit?
SHE:Who is Monica?
HE:She has no legal standing.
SHE:Monica's in your Internet chat group??
HE:She's a damn trespasser. Case closed.
SHE:Monica's in your cyber chat group???
HE:Move her ass out of here.
SHE:Your cyber chat group???
HE:No! No way, man. Not my job. You let her in. You evict her.
SHE:Janey, do you like actually know these people?
HE:I know my rights, bucko. I'm a law student.
SHE:You kinda know them.
HE:I know the law, slick.
SHE:And you kinda don't know them.
HE:When I finish with you, you'll be eating dog food till the day you die.
SHE:Janey sweetie. Help me on this. Do you by any chance have Brett's phone number.
HE:Negative. I'm not telling her anything.
SHE:(Writes number on
Thanks, Janey. And tell Sheryl, Monica and all the other cyberchatters hi.
HE:What if she goes postal?
This is getting really really insane.
HE:Negative, man. She can't use my phone.
SHE:(Dials Brett's phone
Brett. Brett. Brett. Ring. Ring. Ring.
HE:Nobody breathes on my phone. What if she has a virus?
SHE:Ringing. Ringing. Please hold. Your call is very important. Yadda yadda yadda.
HE:I don't care how you handle it. Just handle it. What? You have another call? Hold? Yeah okay sure, I'll hold.
(He continues to hold
the phone to his ear
as he remains on hold)
SHE:Hello? Hello? Is this Brett? Mister Brett Yammer?
HE:One table. One chair. Un-fucking-believable.
SHE:Mister Yammer? Brett? This is Alison. Alison Cribbs. Yeah! The girl at the beach house? Yeah, that's me.
HE:Not even a bed. Just a mattress on the floor. Un-fucking-believable.
SHE:Oh yes. That's so so right. Oh yes. Yes. Yes. You're right. You're so very very right. It's been one really really big big big snafu out here.
HE:(Looks out window)
And the beach. Trash from the summer still out there. One big shithole. Un-fucking-believable.
SHE:Right. Really really really for sure. Sheryl should have told you. I really totally totally agree.
HE:Please hold. Your call is very important to us. Yadda yadda fucking yadda.
SHE:Oh, so really actually honestly true, Brett. You are so so right on the mark. Communication between a couple is a sacred cross your heart hope to die obligation. I mean, it is so really really key to a nurturing caring loving hugs and kisses relationship. Hold? Sure. Of course I will.
(She continues to hold
the phone to her ear as
she remains on hold)
HE:Yeah? So is she leaving? Whaddaya mean, hold your horses? You want to know what she looks like?! Well, let's see. Wait a minute! Whaddaya wanna know that for? Ok. Ok. Shit. Just hang on. She's ummm hmmmm not bad looking. Ummm. Kind of blonde. A little on the heavy side maybe.
SHE:Geez. It's really starting to sound like a meat market in here.
HE:But I guess I wouldn't kick her out of bed.
SHE:Thank God for small blessings.
HE:Hold? Yeah go ahead. What the hell.
SHE:Please continue to hold. Your call. Hello? Hello? Brett? There you are again! Yeah, it's me, Alison. Thank you. Well, it's like my name. Like it or not, I'm stuck with it. Oh, that's so really really kind of you. You know? I think Brett is a really really masculine name. Yes, I do. Its so so ummmm hands on take charge sounding. Yes. For sure. I do think you sound that way. I really really do. Say, do you like chili dogs? You do? Well, I know this really really neat little place. Do you live close by by any chance? Really? Well, that is actually so very convenient.
HE:Please continue to hold. Your call is very important to us. Yadda yadda fucking yadda.
SHE:(Packs her gear at
a panic pace)
Brett. Do you know where the Trader Joes on Moulton Parkway is? You do? OK. I'll meet you there. Well, I'm going to tell you. I'll be the girl with the dirty blonde hair and the big smile and, oh yeah, Ill be driving a blue 1999 VW Beetle. What? You have a blue Beetle too? So much in common already. May I ask you a really really intimate question, Brett? Whats your long distance company? Verizon? Oh my God, mine too! This is so really really deep. It's like fate, like kismet. Really really looking forward to meeting you, Brett.
(Hangs up. Starts to leave.
Stops. Turns to HE)
Nice talking to you.