The play was written in 2007 in Dorset, Vermont, at the Colony House, a well-known writers' retreat. It's an expansion of my award-winning short play, Team Player. It was inspired by Edward Albee's Three Tall Women.
In October, 2007, within days of the script's completion, there was a reading in Irvine and some of my favorite people read the parts: Pamela Burrus, David Cramer, Kerry Perdue, Pete Taylor, Brian Vickery and my playwrighting teacher, Cecilia Fannon.
The Best Years of Her Life, a full-length play
Cast of Characters:
Actor 1 - Male, 60 - Henry, Referee
Actor 2 - Female, 40 - Old Madeline, Lynnie, Senator's Wife
Actor 3 - Female, 20 - Henrietta, Young Madeline, Psychiatrist
Actor 4 - Male, 50 - Preacher, Coroner, Danny, Ump, Officer, Pres, Lieutenant
Actor 5 - Male, 20 - Cop, Bob Hanna, Male Voices 1 & 2, Pool Man, Doorman, Aide
ACT I
(At rise: viewing room at funeral parlor. Candles. HENRY & OLD MADELINE side by side in open caskets. Chairs in a row. PREACHER stands, hands folded. He smiles serenely as COP, in uniform, & HENRIETTA, four months pregnant, enter together. They are holding hands. Her demeanor is that of a person who would rather be anywhere other than here)
PREACHER
(Comes forward to meet them, whispers)
Benjamin.
COP
Hello, sir.
PREACHER
And you're Henrietta.
HENRIETTA
(Not making eye contact)
Yeah.
(COP & HENRIETTA sit. She crosses her legs and looks away)
PREACHER
(More to COP than to HENRIETTA)
I just want you to know, I did not put anything down other than date of death.
COP
Thank you.
PREACHER
The Lord knows our pain better than we do.
COP
Thank you. I appreciate it.
PREACHER
I'll leave you two alone with your thoughts and your prayers.
COP
Thank you.
(PREACHER exits silently. A long moment)
COP
(Indicating caskets)
Aren't. Aren't you going to?
HENRIETTA
(Emphatic shake of head)
No! I don't want to see them.
(COP stands, removes hat, approaches HENRY's casket, looks down at him with great respect)
HENRY
Benjamin.
COP
Yes, sir?
HENRY
I'm not happy. Not happy at all.
OLD MADELINE
Stop it, Henry. Don't burden poor Benjamin. He has enough on his mind as it is.
HENRY
Benjamin. I'm supposed to be wearing a Baltimore Orioles home uniform. Home whites.
OLD MADELINE
Henry. Please stop it. Ignore him, Benjamin.
HENRY
Number 33. Eddie Murray's uniform. It's in the hall closet.
COP
I. I'll see if I can find it, sir.
HENRY
Do that, boy. Make me happy.
(COP sucks in his gut, moves to OLD MADELINE's casket)
OLD MADELINE
Oh, Benjamin. Still my handsome young man. I see you're running again. You lost your belly flab.
COP
Yes, Ma'am.
OLD MADELINE
Did you read my note?
COP
Yes, Ma'am.
OLD MADELINE
I want Romans Chapter five read in its entirety. Not just a few token verses.
COP
Ye.
OLD MADELINE
(Cuts him off)
Some preachers think they can get away with a verse here and a verse there, giving it a lick and a promise, thinking no one's listening. I want you to tell them, Madeline Slezak will be listening.
COP
Yes, Ma'am. I'll tell them.
HENRY
And get my Orioles uniform!
OLD MADELINE
And get Henry's uniform, Benjamin. It's folded in my bottom dresser drawer.
HENRY
No! Hall closet! It's in the hall closet!
OLD MADELINE
Dresser drawer! I moved it!
(Whispers to BENJAMIN)
I ironed it and folded it just before. Before we.
HENRY
You're always moving my things!
OLD MADELINE
Is your girlfriend here, Benjamin?
COP
(A nervous look at HENRIETTA)
Uh no. No, Ma'am. She couldn't come. She has a test.
OLD MADELINE
College girls are so occupied. Make sure she comes tomorrow. I want to see her. And Benjamin?
COP
Yes, Ma'am?
OLD MADELINE
No crying. Crying is not manly.
COP
Yes, Ma'am.
OLD MADELINE
Crying is a waste of the seconds, minutes and days left in our lives. My Papa said that.
(Suddenly visibly tired)
Time for you to go, Benjamin.
COP
Yes, Ma'am.
(COP turns away, walks quickly to HENRIETTA, grabs her by wrist, yanks her to her feet)
HENRIETTA
Hey. Hey! What are you doing?
(COP rushes to exit of viewing room space, pulling HENRIETTA behind him. Spotlight follows them. Subdued light in viewing room space. As soon as he clears space, COP collapses against wall, bursts into tears, cries like a baby)
HENRIETTA
(Hugs him as he convulses)
Hey, it's okay, baby. It's okay. It's okay, baby. It's okay. Hey.
(Kisses his face)
Oh God, baby, you're all wet.
(Hugs him tighter)
It's okay, baby. It's okay. Go ahead and cry. Cry. It's okay, baby. I'm here. I'm here. I'll always be here. Always.
(CORONER enters, stares at COP and HENRIETTA. She turns on him)
HENRIETTA
Hey, Chuck! We're standing her! We're standing here, okay?!!
(CORONER looks away. HENRIETTA goes back to comforting COP. Lights out on COP and HENRIETTA)
Coroner
(A politician's smile)
Name's C C Hewitt. Deputy Sheriff, Justice of the Peace, Coroner. If you're writing this down, it's C C. That's C no period C no period. The C C doesn't stand for anything.
(COP enters, rubbing eyes, straightening uniform, assuming a manly demeanor)
COP
That's C C. Our so-called coroner. A man who flies by the seat of his pants.
CORONER
Seat of my pants? Now that's just plain false. Verging on slander. Implying a manifest disrespect for those who passed on. I shouldn't respond, but let the record show I employ a methodical, scientific, cautious to a fault, approach in.
COP
Some people call him, "Can't Do It" Hewitt.
CORONER
Funny. Very funny. A lot more folks call me "By The Book" Hewitt. I do things by the book.
COP
Show me the book!
CORONER
Seems my young friend here.
COP
I'm not your friend!
CORONER
Seems my young whatever here has an axe to grind.
COP
You're damn right!
CORONER
Respecting the case of The People versus Madeline Slezak.
COP
It was not murder!
CORONER
A case in which I personally concluded, after conducting a thorough, exhaustive investigation.
COP
A flawed investigation!
CORONER
A by the book investigation, running a comprehensive battery of tests.
(COP puts hands over ears)
There was no doubt.
(Points to HENRY. HENRY sits upin his coffin)
Madeline Slezak killed Henry Slezak.
COP
No!
CORONER
(Points to OLD MADELINE. OLD MADELINE sits up in her coffin)
And herself.
(COP runs to a new space. He runs like a little boy who just heard a dirty word, with his hands over his ears)
It was murder-suicide, pure and simple. Truth hurts, boy. Truth is like a two-edged sword. That's from the Good Book! They don't read the Good Book anymore.
(Blackout on viewing room and on CORONER. COP dons baseball cap, puts on mitt)
COP
The new people had just moved in next door. Dad and I were in the back yard playing catch.
(Enter YOUNG MADELINE)
And suddenly there was Madeline, doing stretching exercises. I said in my little boy voice, "Are you the mommy?"
YOUNG MADELINE
Yup, that's me. I'm the mommy.
COP
She had a terrific laugh. She was tall. And when she bent over to shake my hand, I thought I caught the scent of the ocean.
YOUNG MADELINE
Good handshake. He's gonna be a little toughie.
COP
Dad said, "He's my little baseball player." She gave me her sweatband.
YOUNG MADELINE
All real ballplayers have sweatbands.
COP
I thought, "Wow!" No one had ever given me a sweatband before. She grinned. Great grin. Then she scrunched down next to me.
YOUNG MADELINE
When a lady gives a little boy a sweatband, that's a sign of a special friend. Are you going to be my special friend?
COP
"Sure! You bet!"
(COP mimes playing catch. Enter OLD MADELINE)
OLD MADELINE
Henry fell for you, hook, line and sinker. And you fell for little Benjamin, hook, line and sinker.
YOUNG MADELINE
Isn't he just the cutest little boy in all the world?
OLD MADELINE
He's not yours.
YOUNG MADELINE
I know.
OLD MADELINE
Why didn't you have your own?
YOUNG MADELINE
How was I going to do that?
OLD MADELINE
(Pats belly)
The old fashioned way.
(COP mimes chasing a fly ball, exits)
YOUNG MADELINE
But Henry...
OLD MADELINE
You ninny! Open your eyes! Do you think he'd reject you if he saw you in a family way? You were his everything, his morning sun.
(Exit OLD MADELINE)
YOUNG MADELINE
No! I was not his morning sun.
(Blackout on YOUNG MADELINE. Lights up on HENRY on a park bench, dressed à la LL Bean, a box of donuts on his lap, a styrofoam cup of coffee in his hand. BOB HANNA enters in a JC Penney suit. A tree stump nearby with fresh gang graffiti)
BOB HANNA
Sorry I'm late, sir. The traffic.
HENRY
Don't worry about it. Bad traffic goes with the territory.
(Shoves donuts & coffee at him)
Welcome to the team, Bob. Rufus Meadows tells me you're a gamer. Brought you some breakfast.
BOB HANNA
Thank you, sir.
HENRY
(Takes a deep breath)
Just look at that morning sun up there. Isn't she beautiful?
BOB HANNA
It's just the sun, sir.
HENRY
Just the sun? Primitive man would disagree. He did not take the sun for granted. He did not see it as a given that when the sun went down, it would come back up. No, sirree. Which is why he felt the need to offer it food, drink, gold, silver, women, you name it. I don't mind confessing I view each dawn as a fresh miracle. See these stains on my pants? I was down on my knees thanking God for giving me another day on this earth. You're thinking I'm strange, aren't you?
BOB HANNA
No, sir.
HENRY
Don't lie to me, boy.
(Points to tree stump)
Over there. That's where they found Vincent Foster's body. You didn't know that, did you?
BOB HANNA
No sir. I didn't.
HENRY
Some say it was suicide. Others, murder. Either way, it was a tragedy. He was highly respected and sorely missed by the many who knew and loved him. That's the key to a good life, Bob. Whether you're missed after you're gone.
BOB HANNA
Yes, sir.
HENRY
(Walks to tree stump. Takes out a tiny spray can from his coat pocket, paints over graffiti)
Whether you're missed. For there are many with very little in the way of pride, no manners to speak of, no respect for anybody or anything. And when they pass on, no one misses them. No one mourns them. No one cares. Fact is, most people who knew them are glad they're gone. Don't you be one of those, Bob.
BOB HANNA
I won't, sir.
HENRY
My, how time flies! 2003 just about gone, 2004 just around the corner. Hopefully, good things will happen in 2004.
BOB HANNA
You're referring to the election, sir.
HENRY
No. I'm referring to the reelection. Which is not in the bag, I might add. It's so deceiving. You look at their lineup, you think, no hitting, no pitching, no speed on the bases. And you think, piece of cake. But then you look at your own lineup. You see all these locker room liabilities looming like storm clouds just over the horizon on a sunny day and it hits you how the chemistry of a winning team is such a tenuous thing.
BOB HANNA
There's always a group that wants to make waves, sir.
HENRY
Exactly. Waves. That fellow out in Arizona. Roger LaJeunesse. He's making waves. War hero. Speaks his mind. Some folks think a man who speaks his mind speaks the truth.
BOB HANNA
Some folks are idiots.
HENRY
But they let idiots vote. They have to. It's in the Constitution. Given the opportunity, some idiots might vote for that Arizona fellow. What do you think of that, Bob?
BOB HANNA
President shouldn't have to face opposition in his own party.
HENRY
I agree. Party members should close ranks. Anything less and people might start thinking there's internal dissent, that we're in disarray.
BOB HANNA
It's disloyal to break ranks.
HENRY
That word had crossed my mind. The thing that bothers me about this fellow in Arizona. The writers give him a free pass on a lot of things. Former POW.
BOB HANNA
The press does go easy on him.
HENRY
Yes. I just said they did. I think he should get the same across-the-board scrutiny the President gets.
BOB HANNA
I think he should get more.
HENRY
Exactly! He's untested. Never been in the hot seat. He shouldget more. Just thinking out loud now. Brainstorming. Not trying to be disrespectful. Consider this. You're five years in the Hanoi Hilton, cut off from any normal family life. No women. What would that do to you? I mean sexually?
BOB HANNA
Yeah. Yeah!
HENRY
I think it's the kind of thing that should be addressed. Don't you?
BOB HANNA
It's a character issue, sir. No topic should be off-limits.
HENRY
Glad we see eye to eye. You know, in simpler times, the President would send someone to Arizona to read that man the riot act and that would be the end of it. But today.
BOB HANNA
Yeah.
HENRY
Problem is, you can't face a man down anymore like John Wayne. You can't tell him to.
BOB HANNA
No, sir. You can't.
HENRY
You have to tiptoe. You have to do a dance. You have to be.
BOB HANNA
Indirect?
HENRY
Exactly! Indirect.
BOB HANNA
Just thinking out loud now.
HENRY
Sure. Go ahead.
BOB HANNA
How about we put together some talking points. About POWs. About confinement. About homosexuals.
HENRY
I don't want this like a tabloid.
BOB HANNA
We call in experts. Academic types.
HENRY
I want it kept dignified.
BOB HANNA
Prison chaplains. Red Cross.
HENRY
Human rights activists.
BOB HANNA
Get it to talk shows. Op/ed people.
HENRY
Opinion makers.
BOB HANNA
Let the people decide.
HENRY
Exactly! Trust the people. But people can't make intelligent decisions without all the facts.
BOB HANNA
Exactly! They need facts, sir.
HENRY
One thing I feel strongly about. Regarding this fellow. I want you first and foremost to be unbiassed. Ruthlessly unbiassed. Relentlessly unbiassed. Let the chips fall. Whatever. Only keep in mind this is a man who, when he passes, will be mourned and missed. I want you at all times to approach this with respect. And gravitas.
BOB HANNA
Absolutely, sir.
HENRY
At the same time, leaving nothing out. Giving everything equal weight. Letting the people decide.
BOB HANNA
Absolutely. The people. I'd be remiss in my responsibilities if I did otherwise, sir.
HENRY
Amen to that. Well, enough of this chatter. Think I'll walk a while, take in this spectacular morning sun. Want to join me?
BOB HANNA
Think I better take a rain check, sir.
HENRY
Oh come on, boy. Walk with me. Make me happy.
BOB HANNA
Well. Okay, sir.
HENRY
That's the spirit!
(Blackout. Lights up on CORONER)
CORONER
The first murder in fifty-one years. The first suicide since that poor little Sanchez girl ten years ago.
(Lights up on HENRY & OLD MADELINE. HENRY sits slumped in a wheelchair)
About ten in the morning, Madeline wheeled Henry out to the swimming pool. Like so.
(OLD MADELINE pushes HENRY forward, then stops)
She positioned him on the pool deck at the deep end. Like so.
(OLD MADELINE carefully positions wheelchair, walks around to HENRY's front, takes an elastic belt from her apron
Then she eased herself onto...
OLD MADELINE
(Turns, faces CORONER)
Excuse me.
CORONER
Yes, Ma'am?
OLD MADELINE
It wasn't exactly like that.
CORONER
(Takes out his pocket notebook, flips through pages, finds a page, reads. Then...)
Ma'am. Please understand I conducted a very thorough investigation. And I really think the scenario as evidenced in the final report is pretty much the last word.
OLD MADELINE
You weren't there, were you?
CORONER
If what you're asking is, was I a fly on the wall, the answer is, no, ma'am, I wasn't. But I stand by my report, ten thousand per cent.
(Blackout on CORONER)
OLD MADELINE
Before we. Before we did what we did, we talked. There are people who will say that Henry was a vegetable. That he hadn't spoken since his second stroke. That he didn't know what was going on. That is false. He was very much aware. Henry and I communicated constantly. Every day. Every waking hour. On the day in question, he knew exactly what was about to happen and he consented.
(OLD MADELINE bends down, presses her head against HENRY's head. Her lips move. Blackout on OLD MADELINE and HENRY. Lights up on COP and a pregnant HENRIETTA in a space. Two long tables covered with documents)
HENRIETTA
Spooky.
COP
It's just a house where some people used to live.
HENRIETTA
Giving me the heebie-jeebies.
COP
You go wait in the car.
HENRIETTA
(Pats tummy)
Yeah. Don't want to upset our little baseball player.
COP
I wont be long.
(He kisses her. HENRIETTA exits)
Walking into the living room that day was like walking into an Egyptian tomb. Everything there for a specific purpose. Nothing left to chance. All the insurance policies laid out on tables covered with post-it notes. Photocopies of bills paid in full. A handwritten note directing that Romans chapter five and "A Mighty Fortress" be included in the funeral ceremony. Madeline's people were Lutherans. I saw on those tables the same attention to detail she used to apply to my hitting and fielding.
(COP dons baseball cap, picks up bat, assumes batting stance. Enter YOUNG MADELINE. She watches critically as he swings wildly at an imaginary pitch)
YOUNG MADELINE
Choke up, Benjamin. Stop swinging for the fences.
(COP chokes up and swings wildly at another pitch)
YOUNG MADELINE
Meet the ball, Benjamin. Meet it. The purpose is not to crush it, but to make contact, to put the ball into play, to get on base and make things happen. Think Pete Rose.
(COP chokes up, swings as she instructs. Sound of bat hitting ball)
YOUNG MADELINE
Much better, Benjamin. Much better.
(COP drops bat, turns cap backwards, dons catcher's mitt and mask, gets into catcher's crouch. An imaginary ball gets by him. He flips mask off, runs to retrieve it)
YOUNG MADELINE
Keep the ball in front of you, Benjamin. Never let it get by you.
(Crowd noise. COP stands at plate awaiting throw)
YOUNG MADELINE
Use your knee, Benjamin, use your knee to block the plate.
(COP takes imaginary throw, drops to one knee, applies imaginary tag)
UMPIRE'S VOICE
You're out!!!
(Crowd cheers)
YOUNG MADELINE
That was fine, Benjamin. Just fine.
COP
(Grins, proud)
Damn!
(Lights out on COP & YOUNG MADELINE. Lights up on HENRY & OLD MADELINE. HENRY sits slumped in wheelchair. OLD MADELINE stands before him, holding an elastic belt)
OLD MADELINE
It was much too short a season, wasn't it? We sure made a heck of a team, didn't we? Winners. You know what they say about winners. You don't break up a winning team. Look what happened to the Sox after they dumped Babe Ruth. Whatever happens, I want you to know, they were the best years of my life.
(She presses her forehead to his. CORONER enters)
CORONER
Ma'am?
OLD MADELINE
Yes?
CORONER
It's time.
OLD MADELINE
I know.
(She carefully sits on HENRY's lap)
CORONER
She strapped herself in. She used one of those expandable belts, running it under the seat and pulling it tight, securing it over her thighs. Then she switched the motor on and they drove into the pool. They sank together.
(CORONER removes hat out of respect)
I'll leave you two alone now, Ma'am. To. Well, you know.
OLD MADELINE
Yes. Thank you.
(CORONER exits slowly, looking back twice as he does so. OLD MADELINE takes a deep breath. YOUNG MADELINE enters. She wears golf togs, holds a golf club)
YOUNG MADELINE
You don't have to go.
OLD MADELINE
It's too late.
YOUNG MADELINE
Stay. Live your life. He'd tell you the same. If he could speak.
OLD MADELINE
He can speak. He and I have discussed this. Numerous times.
YOUNG MADELINE
(Shakes head in disbelief))
Oh please! Look. Just the thing to keep you active. Golf.
(Swings golf club)
Perfect for busy, on-the-go thirty and fortysomethings.
OLD MADELINE
I've not been on-the-go for two years.
YOUNG MADELINE
Because you insist on caring for him. Instead of hiring a caregiver.
OLD MADELINE
You say "him" like Henry's a thing.
YOUNG MADELINE
You've done as much as any wife can be expected to do. Look at yourself. You're still young, vibrant. Time for you to spread your wings. He. I mean, Henry. Henry'd want you to. Remember what you were to him. You were his morning sun. A morning sun is forever young.
OLD MADELINE
No!
YOUNG MADELINE
Fine. Then I guess you don't want to be there for Benjamin. Be there to watch him get married, watch him have children.
OLD MADELINE
(Hands over her ears)
Stop it!
YOUNG MADELINE
What if there's a crisis in his life. You won't be there to help.
OLD MADELINE
Get out!
YOUNG MADELINE
You are so selfish.
(YOUNG MADELINE exits, muttering, shaking her head in disgust)
OLD MADELINE
Damn you, Henry Slezak! Damn you!
(OLD MADELINE unstraps herself, gets up, chases after YOUNG MADELINE)
OlD MADELINE
Wait! Stop! You stop! I'm not done talking to you. You stop and listen to me!
(OLD MADELINE exits. Silence. HENRY, by degrees, becomes active, moves his hands, arms, legs. As he does this, lights up on a second space in which HENRIETTA, in schoolgirl clothing and not pregnant, is writing graffiti on wall. HENRY stands, kicks wheelchair offstage, dons a softball jersey and a baseball cap. HENRIETTA leaves her space, enters HENRYs space. Blackout on second space)
HENRY
How's your mother?
HENRIETTA
She's not my mother.
HENRY
You know what I mean.
HENRIETTA
No, I don't know what you mean.
HENRY
Like pulling teeth with you.
HENRIETTA
Then why even ask? You expect me to be perky and chipper for the ten minutes a week you have for me? Why did you adopt me? What were you thinking about?
HENRY
Your mother. I mean, Candace. Candace wanted a baby.
HENRIETTA
What's my real name?
HENRY
I don't know.
HENRIETTA
Bullshit!
(Long silence)
HENRY
Where are you staying?
HENRIETTA
Around.
(HENRY takes out checkbook)
HENRY
How much?
HENRIETTA
Um. A thousand. I. I really need a thousand.
(Silence as HENRY writes out check, tears it out, hands it to her. She snatches it, exits sullenly. He watches her. He throws checkbook on floor)
HENRY
Damn it all! Damn it all to hell! What do you do when it gets to a point where everything stagnates? Where everyone's in a deep funk? Where nothing seems to advance with a purpose? You ask yourself, is this what it's all about? Is this as good as it gets? You recall how you used to look forward to each dawn as a fresh miracle. Now, you just want it to end. Because you're too numb and burnt out to care. Maddie was twenty-nine. I was fifty-nine. She had gorgeous eyes. The first thing she did was knock me down. She was incredible. She was. Well, let's just say she was in a higher league.
(Lights up on a table in sports pub. Sound of a crowd having a good time. DANNY & LYNNIE sit drinking beer and eating peanuts. LYNNIE wears a teeshirt that reads "L&M WALK UR DOG." She is visibly pregnant. HENRY enters pub. DANNY & LYNNIE raise their glasses, cheer. HENRY tips his cap)
DANNY
Hey, hey, hey! Mister October.
HENRY
Please. Please. I just feel fortunate to be a part of the team.
DANNY
Humble, too.
(LYNNIE laughs a too much beer laugh. HENRY turns chair around, sits straddling it, pours himself a beer from the pitcher)
MALE VOICE 1
Four for four. Great game, Henry!
HENRY
Thanks, Carl.
MALE VOICE 2
We'll getcha next time, Henry!
DANNY
You wish!
HENRY
Losers cry, losers buy!
(To LYNNIE)
So where's this big business partner of yours?
LYNNIE
In the bathroom. She spilled something.
HENRY
Guess you'll be cutting back on the business while you're
(Indicating her tummy)
Dealing with that.
LYNNIE
Willya listen to him, Danny? Referring to our blessed event as "dealing with that."
DANNY
Friggin' attorneys.
(YOUNG MADELINE enters, in jeans and a teeshirt identical to LYNNIE's. She sits across from HENRY)
YOUNG MADELINE
Sorry. Spilled water on my jeans.
LYNNIE
Henry, this is Maddie.
(Indicates the matching teeshirts)
She's the M in L&M.
YOUNG MADELINE
Pleased to meet you.
HENRY
(Pretends to be near-sighted. Looks very close at YOUNG MADELINE's teeshirt. YOUNG MADELINE draws back. LYNNIE smirks. HENRY reads)
"L&M Walk Ur Dog." So Danny. I guess with pension funds going down the toilet, your fallback is Lynnie's half interest in this bigtime dog walking extravaganza.
DANNY
Nahh! It's about sex. The woman's wearing me out. Dog walking gets her out of bed, out of the house.
LYNNIE
(Laughs too loud)
Oh yeah. With Mister Rudy Valentino here.
HENRY
Walking dogs for yuppies. Talk about a scam.
YOUNG MADELINE
Is this the big Republican attorney?
(LYNNIE nods, rolling her eyes)
It's not a scam. We do it all. We bathe. We groom. We babysit. Tell all your rich clients.
HENRY
Babysit, right. I'm just a simple guy. No time for a dog. So what did you think of my four for four?
YOUNG MADELINE
You were okay.
HENRY
Just okay? I had an MVP night.
YOUNG MADELINE
He wasn't exactly making you work.
HENRY
Their pitcher could bring it.
YOUNG MADELINE
His pitches had "hit me" written all over them.
HENRY
Say what?!?
YOUNG MADELINE
(Explaining as if to a small child)
Hitting is timing. Pitching is upsetting timing. There was no movement on his ball.
LYNNIE
Tell him, Maddie!
HENRY
Spose you could do better.
YOUNG MADELINE
Better than him.
(LYNNIE lets out a whoop)
HENRY
Tell you something, Lynnie. You got a helluva partner here. She's got some balls.
LYNNIE
Maybe we should change our business name to "Bitches With Balls."
(DANNY chokes on his beer)
HENRY
I bet you couldn't.
YOUNG MADELINE
I know I could. I could dust you on two pitches.
HENRY
Dust me? You're gonna dust me?!? You hear that, Danny? Bright Eyes says she can dust me. Tell you what, Bright Eyes, if you dust me, I'll buy you a steak. Just name the time and place.
YOUNG MADELINE
First of all, my name isn't Bright Eyes. Secondly, I don't eat steak. But you can buy me a salmon fillet.
HENRY
If you dust me.
YOUNG MADELINE
When I dust you.
HENRY
So how about let's do it right now? Outside?
YOUNG MADELINE
You are really pushing it.
HENRY
It's what I'm good at. Pushing it.
(Extends hand)
Come on! Winner crows, loser owes.
(A slow-dance number plays. DANNY & LYNNIE get up & dance. You can tell by how close they dance theyre still in love after years of marriage. YOUNG MADELINE hesitates. HENRY, with an "I dare you" grin, pushes hand closer. Finally, she shakes, then quickly walks away. Blackout on sports pub. YOUNG MADELINE stands, staring at her hand as if it's suddenly contaminated. Enter OLD MADELINE)
OLD MADELINE
(Claps hands slowly, mockingly)
Well done! Well done!
YOUNG MADELINE
What was I supposed to do?
OLD MADELINE
He said the magic word and sucked you right in.
YOUNG MADELINE
I am not a loser!
OLD MADELINE
All you had to do was walk away from that man.
YOUNG MADELINE
That man? You talk like he's a stranger.
OLD MADELINE
Instead you fell right into line like the football coach's daughter you are.
(Mimicks her father in an exaggerated drill sergeant's voice)
"In football, men, there are winners and there are losers. That's why they have scoreboards."
YOUNG MADELINE
(Speaking like her father with great respect)
"Winners make it happen. Losers let it happen."
OLD MADELINE
"You losers can't do even forty? My daughter Maddie can do fifty without breaking a sweat."
YOUNG MADELINE
I miss Papa.
OLD MADELINE
(Hugs YOUNG MADELINE)
I do, too.
YOUNG MADELINE
(Stiffens, pulls away)
"Pain is inevitable. Suffering is optional."
OLD MADELINE
(Draws back)
Stop it!
YOUNG MADELINE
"Pain is your friend. Embrace it."
OLD MADELINE
(Slaps her)
I said, stop it!
(OLD MADELINE exits angrily. Blackout on YOUNG MADELINE. Lights up on a basketball court. COP stands on court in high school basketball outfit. He holds a basketball. At courtside, bleachers)
COP
I started noticing Madeline at my games. Occasionally, Henry came with her. But usually, it was Madeline by herself. She always sat alone and she always watched the whole game. Not like the moms and dads who only watched when their kid was out there. It was the big game against Immaculata. Mom and Dad weren't there. But Madeline was.
(OLD MADELINE enters space, sits down in bleachers)
Right at courtside. I'm matched up against a big dummy. I'm eating him alive.
(Crowd noise. COP advances ball, dribbling. REFEREE enters, points at COP, blows whistle. COP stops dribbling, angry with himself, flips ball to REFEREE)
OLD MADELINE
No! No! No! Incidental contact, Ref! That was incidental!
(REFEREE turns, glares at OLD MADELINE, flips ball back to COP. COP advances ball, dribbling, mimes taking shot at basket)
OLD MADELINE
Yesssssssssss!!!! Way to go, Benjamin!
(COP, grinning, flips ball to REFEREE. COP mimes playing defense, guarding an imaginary opponent advancing the ball. COP suddenly staggers, as if bumped)
Old MADELINE
What was that, Ref? What was that? Wake up! Blow the whistle!
(REFEREE turns, glares at OLD MADELINE, flips ball to COP)
COP
I have twenty-seven points. The guy I'm guarding has five. His coach is giving him holy hell. Five minutes into the second half, I'm on the floor.
(Falls to floor)
Blood in my eyes blinding me. I feel Madeline pulling me to my feet.
(OLD MADELINE pulls COP up)
OLD MADELINE
Flagrant foul! Eject him, ref! Get that thug off the court!
COP
The ref hits our bench with a technical because of Madeline.
(REFEREE blows whistle, points at OLD MADELINE)
Their coach comes at me and Madeline. I hear her saying.
OLD MADELINE
Keep coming, Chuck! Keep coming! I'll drop you like a bag of dirt!
(Crowd noise of angry boos, whistles and catcalls. REFEREE mimes warning both benches, keeping players apart)
COP
My guy's at midcourt snickering like a typical Catholic asshole.
OLD MADELINE
Number eight marked you. You better mark him back or he wins. Doesn't matter if you scored twenty-seven to his five. He wins if you don't mark him.
COP
I can't do that.
Old MADELINE
Then you're a coward. Do you want to be a coward?
(COP steps out of basketball court space. Blackout on basketball court space)
COP
She gave me a hard shove. At which point my instincts basically took over. I know I got to him. I know I took him down. I know I got my ass kicked. We forfeited the game. I got booted offthe team. My Mom cried. My Dad bellyached about how I ruined my chances of getting into Rice or Duke. I didn't care. I wasn't exactly Rice or Duke material. The next day, we're at Neil Homedale's house down in the basement. With my teammates listening in, I called Immaculata. "Uh hi, this is number twenty-four, Mountain Lakes High? Would you please tell that dogass number eight, if he wants his front teeth, he can pick them up at twenty-one Hanover Road. Go Lakers!" Damn, that felt good!
(Lights up on second space. HENRIETTA stands with schoolbooks in hand, graffiti on wall by her. COP enters her space. Lights out on basketball court space)
HENRIETTA
Hi.
COP
Hi.
HENRIETTA
You're number 24, aren't you?
COP
Yeah.
HENRIETTA
I really liked what you did.
COP
Yeah?
HENRIETTA
I think they should let you back on the team. All you were doing was not backing down.
COP
Thanks. I'm Ben.
HENRIETTA
I'm Henrietta.
COP
Henrietta. That's a pretty name.
HENRIETTA
My dad's name is Henry, so I'm Henrietta. First thing I'm going to do when I'm eighteen is change my name.
COP
Don't change it. I like it.
HENRIETTA
No joke?
COP
No joke.
HENRIETTA
Okay. Maybe I won't. Gotta go.
COP
Okay. See you around.
(HENRIETTA smiles, exits, walking sexily. COP watches her, longingly. Blackout. Lights up on a space. DANNY & LYNNIE stand together under a street light. YOUNG MADELINE enters space)
YOUNG MADELINE
What is with that guy?
LYNNIE
Maddie, be nice. Maybe he'll get us in the White House to walk the President's dog.
DANNY
Walk the President's dog. Are you listening to yourself?
LYNNIE
I could take a picture. It'd be good for business.
DANNY
Aaaah!
(DANNY & LYNNIE move into the shadows. HENRY enters with a mitt, an aluminum bat and 2 softballs. Tosses mitt at YOUNG MADELINE's feet. Flips balls to her. She catches them)
HENRY
Here, Brighteyes. Two balls, two pitches.
YOUNG MADELINE
Picks up mitt, puts it on, picks up a ball)
I need to warm up first.
HENRY
(HENRY spots a graffito on wall, takes out small spray can, paints over it)
Warm up? Whaddaya mean, warm up?
YOUNG MADELINE
Five warmups. That's the rules.
HENRY
In a game. Who says this is a game?
YOUNG MADELINE
What is your problem?
HENRY
You said you could "dust me" on two pitches. You didnt say warmups.
YOUNG MADELINE
You are really too much.
HENRY
Of course, if you want to back down and eat crow like a loser.
YOUNG MADELINE
Oh no! No way! Get up there, slugger. Let's see what you got.
HENRY
(Grinning)
Think I struck a nerve.
(YOUNG MADELINE freezes as HENRY moves to lip of stage, bat on shoulder)
HENRY
So. We're in the alley behind the pub. People in the bar come out.
(Crowd noise)
We pace it off. Piece of cardboard for a plate.
(LYNNIE, in an umpire outfit, paces it off and marks home plate with cardboard. HENRY sets up in batter's box. DANNY, in catcher's gear, sets up behind the plate. LYNNIE sets up behind DANNY)
I settle into my crusher stance. For the first time, I focus on the whole Maddie. Inside, it was across a table covered with pitchers of beer, the air thick with smoke.
(YOUNG MADELINE unfreezes)
I see she's about five ten, long straight black hair, long legs, long arms. She has her game face on, giving me a Sparky Lyle smirk. I give her my Thurman Munson scowl. I spit.
(DANNY gives her the sign. She nods, mimes an underhand fastpitch)
She winds up, strides and releases. A riser toward the middle of the plate letter high. Looks easy. I stride into it, beginning my swing, just as it leaps up and flashes past my chin.
(HENRY goes down as if ducking a beanball)
I pick myself off the asphalt. You trying to kill me?
YOUNG MADELINE
Oh gee sorry. Guess it slipped.
HENRY
(Gets up)
Want me to move closer? Make it easier for you?
YOUNG MADELINE
You just worry about your hitting, slugger.
(YOUNG MADELINE turns her back to Henry, whispers to the ball)
HENRY
I dig in. Her back to me now. She's holding the ball up to her face, talking to it.
(Suddenly she whirls around, faces him, gives him a mad dog stare)
She gives me an Al Hrabosky Mad Hungarian glare. I counter with my Gary Carter unflappable grin. I'm thinking, she jammed me last time, she's setting me up for the outside corner.
(YOUNG MADELINE mimes an underhand fastpitch)
She winds up, strides, a little crouch just before she releases. The ball starts out low, rising quickly and heading toward the outside corner of the plate. Aha! Just as I guessed. But, as I shift my body, it tails inside and kind of drops. I pop up weakly to the mound. She one-hands it.
YOUNG MADELINE
I'll have that salmon cajun style.
HENRY
(Amazed)
Damn!
(Blackout. Lights up on interior of a psychiatrist's office. OLD MADELINE on a couch. Silence. Then PSYCHIATRIST enters, sits in chair, takes out notebook)
PSYCHIATRIST
Hi, Madeline.
OLD MADELINE
Hello, Doctor.
PSYCHIATRIST
You don't mind I call you Madeline?
OLD MADELINE
Of course not. Madeline's fine.
PSYCHIATRIST
Instead of Missus Slezak.
OLD MADELINE
I prefer Madeline. I really do.
PSYCHIATRIST
Because sometimes during our sessions, I detect a certain hesitancy. A certain stiffness, if you will.
OLD MADELINE
No no. Really. Madeline's totally fine with.
PSYCHIATRIST
And sometimes I get the sense that maybe you'd be more comfortable with a therapist older than yourself instead of.
OLD MADELINE
No. No. No. That's not. I. I don't know where that notion came from, Doctor.
PSYCHIATRIST
Just some vibes I get.
OLD MADELINE
Believe me, Doctor. I value your insight. I look forward to our sessions. I think about them a lot.
PSYCHIATRIST
So the difference in our age has no effect on.
OLD MADELINE
No no. Absolutely not.
PSYCHIATRIST
All right then. Let's get started.
OLD MADELINE
Yes. Let's.
PSYCHIATRIST
What would you like to talk about, Madeline?
OLD MADELINE
Anything, Doctor.
PSYCHIATRIST
Anything. Kewl. How about let's talk about emasculation.
OLD MADELINE
E. Emasculation?
PSYCHIATRIST
Yeah. You know what the word means?
OLD MADELINE
Well, yes. Of course.
PSYCHIATRIST
You seem to like to emasculate your men.
OLD MADELINE
What?!
PSYCHIATRIST
That first time with Henry. When you knocked him down and popped him up. You could have let him hit the ball. You could have served up a. What do you call it? A fat pitch?
OLD MADELINE
Sure, I could have, but the rules.
PSYCHIATRIST
Madeline, the rules talk about physical dimensions and gametime situations. Things like that. They don't tell you to give one hundred per cent on every play.
OLD MADELINE
But. But the spirit of the game.
PSYCHIATRIST
Oh yes. The spirit. Now that's a different animal entirely. The spirit says go all out. All the time. Any way you can. No matter who you're playing. If you were playing a team of three-year-olds, the spirit would let you win, 95 to zip. Which leads us back to why you were so keen on humbling Henry, who was nowhere near you in ability.
OLD MADELINE
Can. Can we please talk about something else?
PSYCHIATRIST
Something else? Sure.
OLD MADELINE
I want to talk about a dream.
PSYCHIATRIST
Kewl! I love dreams.
OLD MADELINE
I. I'm a little girl. About six. I'm in an airplane. A single-engine Beech. My father, I mean, Papa. Papa's at the controls. I'm in thepassenger seat. We're over a forest. The engine begins kicking in and out. I smell burning oil.
PSYCHIATRIST
Excuse me. When you were having this dream, could you actually smell the burning oil?
OLD MADELINE
Yes.
PSYCHIATRIST
Go on.
OLD MADELINE
Papa's shouting, "I'm taking her down, Maddie." We break through the cloud cover. I remember seeing black smoke. Papa points to a river below. "If I don't make it, don't stay with me. Follow the flow of the stream. You hear me, Maddie? Follow the stream." "Okay, Papa." "Just leave me, Maddie. Follow the stream."
PSYCHIATRIST
How did you feel?
OLD MADELINE
Calm. Papa's grinning, working the controls. It's like a competition, him against the burning plane. He's winking at me, muttering, "Okay, show me what you got."
PSYCHIATRIST
What happened next?
OLD MADELINE
I don't know.
PSYCHIATRIST
Bummer! You take me to the edge and leave me hanging?
OLD MADELINE
I'm sorry. That's all there was.
PSYCHIATRIST
How do you want it to end?
OLD MADELINE
I don't know.
PSYCHIATRIST
Did you want your father to die?
OLD MADELINE
I don't know.
PSYCHIATRIST
You're saying you have no opinion?
OLD MADELINE
Let's. Let's stop now.
PSYCHIATRIST
Oh no. No way. We're going on. We're going to take a little trip to the crash site. You and me.
OLD MADELINE
No!
PSYCHIATRIST
Oh look! See? Up ahead! There's the smashed single-engine Beech.
OLD MADELINE
No!
PSYCHIATRIST
The cockpit door. There it is. Just ahead. Open it, Madeline.
OLD MADELINE
No!
PSYCHIATRIST
Madeline, don't be afraid. Open it.
OLD MADELINE
No!
PSYCHIATRIST
Madeline. You will do as I say. Open the cockpit door.
OLD MADELINE
I won't and you can't make me!
PSYCHIATRIST
Then I'll open it. And you will see there's nothing to fear.
(OLD MADELINE gets up, runs from room, screaming)
PSYCHIATRIST
Wait! Stop! You stop, Madeline! I'm not done talking to you. You stop and listen to me!
(Blackout)
END OF ACT I
ACT II
(At rise: a bed. COP & HENRIETTA lie side by side. A window, opening to the night sky. The mood is post-coital)
COP
(Rolls onto his side, looks across her, out the window)
Do you ever wonder?
HENRIETTA
Bout what?
COP
About those. Out there. The stars.
HENRIETTA
What's to wonder?
COP
You mean you don't ever wonder?
HENRIETTA
Sure. I wonder. Can't sleep nights wondering.
COP
No call to be sarcastic.
HENRIETTA
Can we change the subject?
COP
Sure. What do you want to talk about?
HENRIETTA
Fucking.
COP
You mean sex.
HENRIETTA
Got a problem with fucking?
COP
No.
HENRIETTA
'Cause that's what we were just doing. Fucking. In case you were wondering.
COP
You make it sound dirty.
HENRIETTA
She's really got you, hasn't she?
COP
She?
HENRIETTA
Madeline. She's got you by the balls. Squeaky clean little Benjamin.
(COP grabs her by hair, jerks her face close to his)
COP
You shut up! If you ever tell her.
HENRIETTA
Relax. She and me aren't exactly pals. I hardly speak to Dad. I am persona non grata in that house.
COP
(Releasing her hair)
I mean it about her not finding out.
HENRIETTA
You know what I think? I think this is your first time.
COP
(Silence, then...)
No. I. I've had other girls.
HENRIETTA
Who?
COP
No one you know.
HENRIETTA
I know all the girls who fuck. Admit it. I am your first.
COP
At least, I.
HENRIETTA
At least what? At least not as dirty as me? Is that what you were going to say? 'Cause if it was, I'm here to say you and I are the same. We're both here to fuck. You're here for an easy fuck. I'm here to fuck the starting five.
COP
The. The what?
HENRIETTA
The starting lineup. I did Neil Homedale, Justin Almeida and the Tooler Twins, Ricky Ron and Dicky Don. That left Ben. Number twenty-four.
(She takes a piece of paper and a pen. She makes a check mark)
The starting five. Present and accounted for.
COP
Oh Jesus! Is that what this is? Is that all I am? A name on a list?
(He gets out of bed. Paces angrily)
I can't believe it! Is this what you think about all day?
HENRIETTA
I think about other things.
COP
Okay. So you fucked the team. Who do you tell? You put it on the bulletin board? Who would care? How does that make you better than girls who don't?
HENRIETTA
It doesn't!
COP
Thing that gets me is, you make this sound like it's an achievement to put on a résumé. "Uh, yes sir, I got a B plus in chemistry, I was vice president of the chess club and I fucked the basketball team." I'm sorry. I can't be in this room anymore. I don't want to be anywhere near you.
(COP grabs a blanket, exits. Sound of door slamming)
HENRIETTA
You make it sound like I'm sick! I'm not sick! You're the sick one! Bastard! You're all sick!
(Blackout. Lights up on HENRY, wearing a Baltimore Orioles baseball uniform with number 33 on it. He holds an aluminum bat. He sees graffiti on wall, takes out small spray can, paints over it)
HENRY
We're all sick. Society's sick. Fundamentally sick. Hopefully, we'll get through this sickness and recover with our national health intact. You know the saying, "that which doesn't kill you, makes you stronger." Okay. Enough preaching.
(He takes small envelope from shirt pocket)
Season tickets. Camden Yard. Third base side. Pretty good seats. Someday soon, this year, next year, maybe the year after, Henry Aaron's home run record will be broken. Barry Bonds has 703 home runs. Hammerin' Hank stands at 755. Just do the math. Might happen at Camden Yard. Hey, you never know.
In his playing days, Mister Aaron stood six feet tall, weighed one hundred eighty pounds. If you saw him up close, you'd say he was a very fit average size human being, not like one of these pumped-up modern players.
(Pockets envelope. Takes graceful practice swing)
Mister Aaron's swing matched his temperament. Elegant and dignified. When he smashed a home run, which was often, he did not stand at the plate, like Barry Bonds, and admire the ball in its trajectory. Mister Aaron ran the bases like the rule book said. Mister Aaron was into the integrity of the game. The one thing he wasn't into was himself. Some people think baseball needs more Hank Aarons and fewer Barry Bonds.
I disagree. Baseball does not need Mister Aaron's dignity. Nor does it need his integrity. Baseball's been getting along fine without either. If you want to know the truth, nobody connected with baseball cares about dignity or integrity anymore.
Time was when almost everyone cared. Time was when people counted on baseball to be the standard for decency, excellence and doing the right thing. But that's all gone now. Almost overnight, baseball has gone from being the national pastime to being a whore and a pimp and a crackhead. Baseball became a whore when it winked knowingly as the owners and players conspired to sex up the game. Baseball became a pimp when it stood there grinning as the owners and players conspired to screw us out of a World Series. Baseball became a crackhead when it opened the doors to the dugouts and clubhouses and said nary a discouraging word as they morphed into drug dens.
Barry Bonds is going to break Mister Aaron's record. But let me tell you, it won't mean a damn thing. No one, except the most out of touch fan, will take that man's numbers seriously. Everyone's going to put a mental asterisk beside his mark. And it's too damn bad. But there's no denying, when you lie down with whores and pimps and crackheads, you can never get the stench off, no matter how hard you try.
(Takes a vicious swing, stands and admires an imaginary home run in its trajectory)
Barry Bonds has 703 home runs. Hammering Hank's record stands at 755. I got season tickets. Hey, you never know.
(Lights up on LYNNIE & YOUNG MADELINE walking dogs in their "L&M WALK UR DOG" teeshirts)
YOUNG MADELINE
And. And the gifts started coming. Gift after gift after gift. I told the delivery guy, "No, no, no, take them away."
LYNNIE
What kind of gifts?
YOUNG MADELINE
Perfume. A bracelet. A really nice tea service.
LYNNIE
He's married, you know.
YOUNG MADELINE
What does he want?
LYNNIE
He's Danny's friend, okay? So I know what I know. Henry and Candace don't see eye to eye anymore.
YOUNG MADELINE
Eye to eye on what?
LYNNIE
On stuff. They don't see eye to eye on stuff. I guess Henry's looking for...
YOUNG MADELINE
I'm a nice girl.
LYNNIE
Of course you are.
(Silence. They walk. Then...)
Do you know who Henry Slezak is? I mean, who he really is?
YOUNG MADELINE
Sure. He works at the White House.
LYNNIE
You don't read the papers, do you?
(LYNNIE exits)
YOUNG MADELINE
I read the sports page.
HENRY
I want you on my team, Bright Eyes. We'll be world class.
(YOUNG MADELINE turns, stares at HENRY, who points his bat at her. Blackout. Lights up on a kitchen. CORONER enters)
CORONER
No question about it. Autopsies are unpleasant. No one looks forward to cutting a person open. Especially folks you've played golf with, broken breadwith, gone to church with. It's something akin to violating a sanctuary. And happily, I didn't have to do one on either Mister or Missus Slezak. I knew all I had to know within an hour of discovering the bodies.
(POOL MAN enters)
How do? Take a seat.
(POOL MAN sits)
CORONER
(Takes out notebook & pen)
Your name?
POOL MAN
Ray Johnson. Been doing the pool there for two years.
CORONER
The Slezak pool.
POOL MAN
That's the one.
CORONER
And you did the pool on Tuesday afternoon.
POOL MAN
Missus Slezak had a plate of maple scones for me every Tuesday. I sure looked forward to those scones.
(OLD MADELINE enters with a baking sheet of scones. She opens oven and slides them in, closes door)
CORONER
Bet you did. Did you ever clean the pool on a Friday?
POOL MAN
No, sir. Not until now. Missus Slezak called early Friday morning, told me I had to come by the house on noon that day. She said something was dead in the pool.
CORONER
Something was dead. You're sure it was Madeline Slezak's voice.
POOL MAN
I know that lady's voice. She liked to chat with me while I cleaned.
CORONER
Liked to chat? What about?
POOL MAN
Mostly baseball. She'd tell me about the discussions she and Mister Slezak were having. About teams and players and whatnot.
CORONER
But Mister Slezak was paralyzed. Couldn't talk.
POOL MAN
Not according to her.
CORONER
Did he ever talk to you?
POOL MAN
No, sir.
(OLD MADELINE opens the oven, takes out tray of scones, puts scones on a plate and exits with plate)
CORONER
Anything you'd like to add?
POOL MAN
When I got there. That Friday at noon. There was a plate of warm scones waiting for me.
(Blackout. Lights up. COP in uniform removes hat, knocks on door. OLD MADELINE comes to door, opens it. A slight paunch on COP)
OLD MADELINE
Benjamin.
COP
(Cranes neck, trying to look past her)
I was just passing by and thought I'd check in on you. And Henry.
OLD MADELINE
(Blocks his view)
He's getting better.
COP
That's good.
OLD MADELINE
Each day, we see a slight improvement.
COP
Great. Just great. Soon he'll be as good as new. Better even.
OLD MADELINE
(Eyeing COP's paunch)
Are you still running, Benjamin?
COP
When I can. But this job has me.
OLD MADELINE
Every day, Benjamin. You have to run every day.
COP
I know. But it's hard to.
OLD MADELINE
Remember what I used to tell you about hard? The hard takes time.
OLD MADELINE & COP
The impossible takes a little longer.
(COP turns to leave, then stops)
COP
I got a steady girl.
OLD MADELINE
Is she nice?
COP
She's goes to college.
OLD MADELINE
A college girl. What college?
COP
Community College. She's studying to be a beautician.
OLD MADELINE
I'd love to meet her, Benjamin. I mean, after Henry.
COP
Sure. When Henry gets better, we'll make it a point to stop by.
(Blackout. Lights up on HENRY and an ARMY OFFICER playing horseshoes)
HENRY
Unbelievable! Sergeant Akbar? Is that the name?
ARMY OFFICER
Sergeant Hasan Akbar. Serial number two zero seven two niner seven.
HENRY
Unbelievable. Just unbelievable.
ARMY OFFICER
Yes, sir.
HENRY
Is he an immigrant? From Egypt or one of those places?
ARMY OFFICER
He's American. Born in Los Angeles.
HENRY
A convert.
ARMY OFFICER
His mother converted.
HENRY
Permit me. Perhaps I'm dense. Perhaps I've missed something. I have a hard time comprehending why an American would convert to a religion so alien to anything for which this country stands.
ARMY OFFICER
From what I can gather, sir, the mother was raising her family in a neighborhood overrun by prostitutes and drug addicts. Islam's message on morality attracted her.
HENRY
So. So she replaced the whores, pimps and crackheads with a terrorist. Did I get that right?
ARMY OFFICER
Yes sir. Pretty much.
HENRY
I can see the headlines in the Boston Globe tomorrow. "Iraq Day One. US Muslim soldier tosses grenade into tent, kills two, wounds twenty." Hell of a news item to start the invasion with. I don't want this getting out.
ARMY OFFICER
I don't think we can stop it, sir.
HENRY
Don't make me unhappy, Major Uh.
(Squints at ARMY OFFICER's nametag)
Major Chelland. Here's the game plan. In ten minutes, I'll be in the President's office. In eleven, I'll be telling him a certain Major Chelland guaranteed me this news will not get out. You follow me?
(HENRY tosses horseshoe. A ringer. HENRY exits)
ARMY OFFICER
Yes, sir.
(Blackout. Lights up on a room. OLD MADELINE sits in rocking chair. There are two doors, one leads to outside, the other to bathroom. Sound of someone at outside door. OLD MADELINE opens it. Enter YOUNG MADELINE dragging two suitcases)
OLD MADELINE
Welcome home.
YOUNG MADELINE
(Rushes by OLD MADELINE into room)
Quick! Get the. The. You know. The thing. Get the thing!
OLD MADELINE
You mean?
YOUNG MADELINE
I missed my monthly. Hurry!
(OLD MADELINE hands YOUNG MADELINE a small plastic cup. YOUNG MADELINE takes cup, rushes into bathroom, locks door)
OLD MADELINE
(A loud voice)
How was Thailand?
YOUNG MADELINE'S VOICE
Just wait! I can't talk and. Can't talk and. And you know.
(Silence. OLD MADELINE paces, arms folded. After a minute, YOUNG MADELINE emerges holding a filled cup like it's the Hope Diamond)
OLD MADELINE
(Takes cup from her)
How was Thailand?
YOUNG MADELINE
Hot. Sweaty. And Henry was.
OLD MADELINE
Frisky?
YOUNG MADELINE
Yes!
(OLD MADELINE tears open a packet, takes out a small stick, dips it in cup, leaves it there 10 seconds)
It's those Thai women. They do something to him. Every time we go there, he goes crazy.
(OLD MADELINE takes stick out of cup. YOUNG MADELINE tenses as OLD MADELINE examines it. OLD MADELINE shakes head)
YOUNG MADELINE
(Relief in her voice, relief on her face)
Oh, thank God!
(Blackout on room. Enter HENRY with a thick bundle of documents)
HENRY
Look, Bright Eyes. The settlement agreement. I cut Candace from the squad. She's a free agent now.
(YOUNG MADELINE enters. HENRY turns to last page, shows it to YOUNG MADELINE)
See that number? That's what it cost to buy out her contract. You want to know something? I would have paid ten times that amount because.
YOUNG MADELINE
Because you were resolved to clarify your life, bring the essential things into sharp focus. You said you were intent on clearing out.
HENRY
Clearing out the clutter. Clearing out the chaos. I need to revive. Renew. Refresh. Rejuvenate. You're worth the investment, Bright Eyes, because you.
YOUNG MADELINE
Because I represent simplicity. Your word, Henry. You were so sure you had me caught in your web. So sure of yourself. So sure of your purpose. And you were right. Who could resist you?
HENRY
(Turns to another page)
The prenuptual agreement. Hereinafter called, "The Agreement." Everyone's using them. And they're a good thing. Think of it like a contract to play for a team. Defines your relationship to the team. Outlines your.
YOUNG MADELINE
Outlines my duties and responsibilities as a member of the team. Specifies the rules and guidelines of the game.
HENRY
The ump doesn't say work ball. He says play ball. K. I. S. S. Keep it simple. You got a question, go to the Agreement. Read the guidelines. Read the rules. It keeps things simple. Lets you focus on the game.
YOUNG MADELINE
I must admit, I like rules.
HENRY
Rules are what separate us from the animals.
YOUNG MADELINE
Break the rules, suffer the consequences.
HENRY
Do the crime. Do the time.
YOUNG MADELINE
Should Pete Rose be inducted into the Hall? Absolutely not! He broke the rules!
HENRY
Exactly!
YOUNG MADELINE
(Takes document from Henry, reads)
"The parties to this marriage have discussed their future plans and desires relating to having/adopting children. Both partieshereby acknowledge they shall not have/adopt children once married. This provision is based upon an analysis of the parties' present and anticipated family structure, financial situation and the lifestyle the parties anticipate having."
(HENRY hands her a pen. She takes it. Blackout. Lights up. A room. HENRY slumped in a wheelchair. OLD MADELINE sits next to him, reading a newspaper. HENRIETTA enters. Only the sound of her heels clicking on the floor. She sits in a chair across the room from them, crosses her legs)
HENRIETTA
We had good times. Sometimes we did. You and me. Good times. Fun times. Maybe not like normal people. But. Well, there was always this one thing. You told me I had to go to meetings. You wouldn't go. You said I'm the one with the problem. Well, they. They want us to go together to these things. All the other kids came with their dads. And someone's gonna say, where's your dad? And see, I'd have to invent something. Well, I wasn't gonna do that. I don't make upstories. That's not my way.
OLD MADELINE
Sometimes to me, life is stranger than fiction.
HENRIETTA
Anyway, I want to say I'm sorry. Sorry I rained on your parade. I know, I know. You don't have to say it. I'm clumsy, awkward. I have no social skills. I don't know how to act. Sure, I admit it. Like a bull in a China shop. All thumbs? Yeah, that's me. A stumbler? A bumbler? You got my number.
OLD MADELINE
I'm reading here about a man in Indiana who. Who actually fathered a child with his wife and then killed the infant to exact revenge on his wife for not properly comforting him when his mother died.
HENRIETTA
But you gotta remember. You picked me. Out of all the kids you could have picked, you picked Henrietta. And I want to thank you.I know I don't show it so good, but I want you to know it's an honor. To know people are saying, "You see that chick? That's Henrietta Slezak. Her dad's that big mucky-muck at the White House." But I have to tell you, it drives me a little crazy sometimes.
OLD MADELINE
It says here, he wanted to make her feel like.
HENRIETTA
Like I don't know how to act around you.
OLD MADELINE
To feel like he did, so he killed his infant child.
HENRIETTA
I'm like the clang and the bang and the crash on the edge of your calm.
OLD MADELINE
Well, he's in jail obviously. And the only excuse he could give was that he wanted his wife to know what he felt like.
HENRIETTA
You know what I feel like? Like a little star thats being scorched in your big sun. Sometimes I feel smothered, suffocated.
OLD MADELINE
So he suffocated the child. That's what he did. Suffocated it.
(Blackout. Lights up on ballroom at White House. Liveried DOORMAN stands at attention as HENRY, in tux, and YOUNG MADELINE, in glittering gown, enter room arm in arm)
DOORMAN
Mister and Missus Henry Slezak!
YOUNG MADELINE
My Henry, a man to be stroked and treated with respect. I on his arm, tall and thin, basking in his glory. I could feel heads turning. Could you feel them, Henry?
(HENRY excorts YOUNG MADELINE to a chair. She sits)
HENRY
I have to go see the big guy.
(YOUNG MADELINE smiles, nods. HENRY & DOORMAN exit. Enter SENATOR'S WIFE, dressed in a glittering gown, a glass of champagne in her hand)
SENATOR'S WIFE
I'm Mimi LaJeunesse.
YOUNG MADELINE
Of course. Senator LaJeunesse's wife. Very glad to mee.
SENATOR'S WIFE
(Cuts her off)
I want to say what your husband did was despicable and unforgivable. I feel very sorry for you, being married to that man.
(She dumps her drink in YOUNG MADELINE's lap, exits. YOUNG MADELINE is too shocked to move. Blackout. Lights up on oval office with PRESIDENT, AIDE & HENRY)
PRESIDENT
And the Japs are doing what again?
AIDE
Pretending to investigate, sir.
PRESIDENT
In other words, they're sitting on their hands.
AIDE
Yes, sir.
PRESIDENT
What do you think, Henry?
HENRY
Either he's running away from his daddy. Or he's bringing us a message from his daddy. One or the other.
PRESIDENT
But why Japan? Why not China?
HENRY
Perhaps it's a message they don't want the Chinese to know about.
PRESIDENT
I dunno.
HENRY
If he's truly running away, he wouldn't go to China. They'd send him right back to his daddy.
PRESIDENT
Got that right.
(To AIDE)
So the ball's in our court.
AIDE
Yes sir. The Japanese are pretending he's who his passport says he is.
PRESIDENT
You ready for this, Henry? He arrives in Tokyo on a Panamanian passport under the name, Steve Stevens. He looks as much like a Steve Stevens as I look like Osama Bin Ladin.
(They all laugh)
One thing I know for sure. Someone's got to go talk to him.
(To AIDE)
Hugh, what languages does he speak?
AIDE
Fluent Japanese, good Chinese, passable Mongolian, Russian and English.
PRESIDENT
You speak Mongolian, don't you, Henry?
(They all laugh)
If he's running away, he'll be a prime catch. He knows everything about everyone in that inner circle.
HENRY
If he's like his daddy, he'll be a greedy bastard.
PRESIDENT
Promise him the sun, the moon and the stars. Whatever he wants. Now you better get going.
(HENRY gets up to leave)
And don't worry about the missus, Henry. We'll keep an eye on her for you.
(To AIDE)
Ever see Henry's wife?
AIDE
No, sir.
PRESIDENT
Suffice to say, Henry's one helluva cradle robber. Aren't you, Henry?
HENRY
Lets just say shes a prime prospect, a sure first round draft choice.
(HENRY grins, winks. Blackout. Lights up. Classroom. Two desks. COP, in student clothes, in one desk. He is bored, dozing off. HENRIETTA, dressed kind of slatternly, stands in front of classroom, reading from sheet of paper. She looks stoned)
HENRIETTA
French 1. Poem using French phrases. By Henrietta Slezak.
(HENRIETTA clears throat, grins a "wait'll you hear this" grin)·
HENRIETTA
The les toilettes is stopped up
See me running toward the door
I crash into a French boy
Sacre merde! and zut alors!
(COP is suddenly wide awake, trying hard not to laugh out loud, as she does show-and-tell with her hands and face)
HENRIETTA
I say, Let's see your carte verte.
Cause he's talking très risqué
He says, Avez une belle chatte?
So I answer, Qu'est-ce que c'est?
(She looks up, with a What did I do now? expression)
Excuse me? How many more? Uh, I got three more verses, Ma'am.
Uh, okay. Sorry, Ma'am.
(HENRIETTA walks past COP on way to her desk, drops paper on his desk, takes her seat. COP starts reading it, struggles to keep from laughing out loud)
COP
What's funny? No. No, Ma'am. Nothing's funny. Sorry, Ma'am.
(COP and HENRIETTA lay their heads on their desks, facing each other, and laugh silently. Blackout. Lights up. YOUNG MADELINE in bed. HENRY enters, slides into bed next to her)
YOUNG MADELINE
Welcome home.
HENRY
Good to be home.
YOUNG MADELINE
What did you do today?
HENRY
Just stuff.
YOUNG MADELINE
Just stuff? Okay. Here's the stuff I did. I ran five miles. And I enrolled in an extension course at.
HENRY
(Cuts her off gently)
Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. You don't have to account to me for every minute of your day.
YOUNG MADELINE
But I want to.
HENRY
You want to. Okay. What did you have for lunch?
YOUNG MADELINE
An apple, eight ounces of fat-free key lime yogurt and sixteen ounces of water. What did you have?
HENRY
(Laughing)
I can't even remember whether I had lunch.
YOUNG MADELINE
I'll bet you work through lunch.
HENRY
A lot of times I do.
YOUNG MADELINE
You need keep regular habits. Do things at the same time each day.
HENRY
Sorry. Can't do that.
YOUNG MADELINE
Why?
HENRY
Because stuff happens.
YOUNG MADELINE
Stuff again. What is stuff?
HENRY
Stuff is like things. Things come up. Things you have to deal with. Stuff.
YOUNG MADELINE
First stuff. Now things. Give me an example.
HENRY
An example. Okay. There's a domestic matter the Big Guy wants resolved. He tells me to make it happen. I make it happen. That's doing stuff.
YOUNG MADELINE
What domestic matter? ·
HENRY
Whatever he's pushing.
YOUNG MADELINE
(Laughs)
This is getting nowhere.
(HENRY takes a folded newspaper from night stand, points to an article, hands it to her)
HENRY
Here. Read.
YOUNG MADELINE
(Reads)
"An administration spokesman said the White House considers the matter closed, but..."
HENRY
(Cuts in)
There! An administration spokesman. That's me.
YOUNG MADELINE
But it doesn't say your name.
HENRY
Because I'm not authorized to comment.
YOUNG MADELINE
Then why are you commenting?
HENRY
It's complicated.
YOUNG MADELINE
Henry?
HENRY
Yes?
YOUNG MADELINE
If someone asks what is it you do, what do I say?
HENRY
Say I do stuff.
(HENRY rolls over, faces wall. Blackout. A parade ground. POLICE LIEUTENANT stands at lectern on raised platform. COP, in uniform with spitshined boots, stands at attention. OLD MADELINE sits in folding chair, fanning herself with a program)
POLICE LIEUTENANT
Policing is not merelyabout doing a job. It's not just about getting the bad guys. Policing is about making our community stronger. Today, you become police officers. You also become community builders. You have chosen a difficult road, but one that leads to a deeply rewarding destination. If you do it right, you will make a difference. Congratulations on your achievement. I know you will do your best.
(POLICE LIEUTENANT steps down, moves in a military manner to COP, pins badge on COP's shirt, steps back. COP salutes. POLICE LIEUTENANT returns salute, then shakes COPs hand and exits. OLD MADELINE walks up to COP, hugs him with tears of joy, kisses his cheek, exits. COP looks to the left and right. He's grinning, looking for someone. Suddenly, screaming wildly for joy, HENRIETTA, not pregnant, enters, running toward him, tackling him. They fall down together laughing. She straddles him, grinding on him. Blackout. Lights up. A porch outside an apartment. HENRY sits in the rain, shivering. In his hand, a soggy bouquet of flowers. YOUNG MADELINE, in an L&M WALK UR DOG teeshirt and holding an umbrella over her head, opens door, stands on porch)
YOUNG MADELINE
Henry. What are you doing here?
(OLD MADELINE emerges, stands in doorway behind YOUNG MADELINE)
OLD MADELINE
Isn't it obvious?
YOUNG MADELINE
He's going to catch pneumonia.
OLD MADELINE
That's what he wants you to think.
YOUNG MADELINE
Henry. I can't accept the gifts. I told the man to send them back.
OLD MADELINE
But you kept the tea service, didn't you?
YOUNG MADELINE
(Rounds on OLD MADELINE)
That's different!
OLD MADELINE
Oh really.
YOUNG MADELINE
A tea service isn't like a bottle of perfume or a bracelet. It's. It's less.
OLD MADELINE
Intimate?
YOUNG MADELINE
Yes.
(Turns back to HENRY)
Look at him. He's going to get sick!
OLD MADELINE
Let him get sick.
YOUNG MADELINE
He could die!
OLD MADELINE
People do die from pneumonia. But not often.
YOUNG MADELINE
You're making it sound so clinical, so impersonal.
OLD MADELINE
All right then. Let's make it personal. If you let Henry walk through this door, you will become his whore.
YOUNG MADELINE
What!!? That doesn't follow!
OLD MADELINE
Let's do a what if. What if he dies in your bed.
YOUNG MADELINE
Oh Good Lord! You really have an imagination.
OLD MADELINE
Let's just say it happens. Stranger things have occurred. What if he dies in your bed. Of pneumonia. Now a question.
YOUNG MADELINE
(Fear, foreboding in her eyes)
All. All right.
OLD MADELINE
The question is. Who gets his assets?
YOUNG MADELINE
Is that all you can think about? A man dies, and you're thinking about assets?
OLD MADELINE
The end result is. The wife gets everything. The whore gets nothing. Is that fair?
YOUNG MADELINE
Stop using that word! As for payment, it's wrong to expect payment for love.
OLD MADELINE
I agree. In most cases. Payment cheapens. Payment debases. The exception would be when a girl catches the eye of an important man. In that case, there should be tit for tat.
YOUNG MADELINE
Why? Why is that different?
OLD MADELINE
Think of it as a use tax. Consider this. You're a tiny dim star being drawn toward a huge bright sun. How can you not get scorched? There should be payment for that. To make it right. To make it fair. To balance out the imbalances.
YOUNG MADELINE
Or not. I could just go back inside. Lock the door. Not acknowledge him. Not respond to him. That way, it would never happen.
OLD MADELINE
Yes. You could do that. Certainly.
YOUNG MADELINE
I have other options.
OLD MADELINE
You do. You're young, athletic. You have nice skin, an engaging smile. There's a whole world out there waiting for you.
YOUNG MADELINE
I can be whatever I want. It's just a matter of putting one foot in front of the other. I can choose.
OLD MADELINE
Exactly. Your choice.
(Looks up at the rain)
Rain's coming down harder. I'm going back inside. Are you coming?
YOUNG MADELINE
In a minute.
OLD MADELINE
Don't forget to lock the door.
(OLD MADELINE exits)
YOUNG MADELINE
I won't.
(YOUNG MADELINE walks toward HENRY. HENRY turns to look at her. He smiles. It's the smile of a spider to a fly. Blackout)
The End
Tags:
Dale Andersen
theatre
playwright
baseball
tragedy
murder suicide
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