Dan Acre got a production of his hilarious play, "Wasted." Except it's not "Wasted" anymore. It's "Dirty Laundry." The theater people made him change the title. Because of the drug and alcohol connotations. Go figure.
Dan's a true artist. He writes, he versifies, he critiques, he pontificates, he carouses, he regales, he consumes. He's even been known to doodle. Here's a self-portrait:
As for Dirty Laundry, it's the touching story of a boy and his dog.... No, actually, it's about four marginal characters, Uncle Roy, Dort, Jimbo & Smith living in a kind of group house. They pool their Social Security and Veterans' Benefits for booze and hookers. As the first scene opens, Denice the Hooker is getting ready to do her thing when, out of the blue, Uncle Roy's nephew Kenny shows up to upset the apple cart....
KENNY: Does she live here too?
SMITH: No, Kenny.
UNCLE ROY: Oh man.
DENICE: I ain't doing no kid, if that's what you're thinking.
DORT: He's only going to watch. No harm in that.
DENICE: No. The kid's got to leave, or else I will.
UNCLE ROY: Alright. Kenny, go wait outside in the yard.
KENNY: What are you going to do?
JIMBO: Nothing. Go outside.
DENICE: No. He'll be looking through the window. He needs to go, go.
KENNY: Come on. What's the big secret?
JIMBO: Jeez, you're dumb. She's a whore. Now go away and come back in an hour.
DENICE: I don't like being called that. Don't call me that.
DORT: Don't call her that, Jimbo.
KENNY: You're really a whore?
DENICE: That's it. See you later.
(Denice tosses the envelope back onto the counter and exits.)
JIMBO: Wait! You're not a whore!
DORT: Yes she is.
JIMBO: Roy, do something!
UNCLE ROY: What can I do?
(Jimbo runs to the door.)
JIMBO: Denice! Come back! Come on, baby!
SMITH: She's gone.
KENNY: She got mad when you called her a whore.
JIMBO: God damn it!
DORT: Jimbo wants to marry her.
JIMBO: I do not.
SMITH: Next month, Jimbo.
JIMBO: What if she doesn't come back?
UNCLE ROY: She'll come back. Next month.
JIMBO: But what if she doesn't?
DORT: Yeah. She might not, Jimbo. Ever. You'll never have a woman again.
UNCLE ROY: We'll find another one if we have to.
KENNY: Was she really a whore?
DORT: What do you think?
JIMBO: The kid bugged her. Made her leave.
KENNY: I didn't know.
JIMBO: We told you to leave and you wouldn't. You scared her off.
KENNY: She didn't look scared. Who was she going to do it with?
SMITH: It's alright, Jimbo. Let's just have a drink.
DORT: All of us.
KENNY: Really? She'd let you?
DORT: Yeah. We share everything. Like a commune. We're communists. She would have screwed you, too, if we gave her enough money.
KENNY: Really? I wouldn't screw her.
JIMBO: Why not?
KENNY: She's a whore.
DORT: Are you crazy? A whore's the perfect woman. She leaves when you're done with her, and she doesn't ask for alimony.
(Uncle Roy picks up the envelope.)
UNCLE ROY: Uh oh!
JIMBO: What?
UNCLE ROY: She took the money.
JIMBO: Oh that bitch! Oh god damn it!
SMITH: Jesus Christ.
DORT: I guess she won't be coming back.
(Sings)
I tried to love you,
But you stole all my money,
Yodel-aye-he-heee-heee-hoooo.
(Stops singing)
Hey, that's a good lyric! Quick, Jimbo, find one of your crayons and write that down.
JIMBO: Roy, how could you let this happen!
UNCLE ROY: That was booze money, too.
SMITH: Not again!
(Smith goes to the kitchen and looks through the cupboards.)
JIMBO: We're broke?
UNCLE ROY: Almost. You guys said "Let's get Denice tonight, Roy." I tried to tell you.
DORT: Ain't no woman worth being sober over. Shit.
JIMBO: It's the kid's fault.
KENNY: I didn't do it!
DORT: Yeah you did.
SMITH: Almost out of food, too.
JIMBO: Roy, what's with him anyway? What's he doing here?
DORT: He's a queer, Jimbo.
KENNY: I am not.
DORT: He's gonna touch your scrotum when you're sleeping.
JIMBO: He better not!
(Smith goes through the house, trying to straighten up the mess.)
UNCLE ROY: Come on, come on. Who needs another beer? Jimbo, you good?
JIMBO: Yeah. But it ain't right, Roy.
UNCLE ROY: Let it go. Kenny, what are you doing here? Are you in trouble?
JIMBO: He just might be queer. Said he wouldn't want to screw a girl. I can't see why he wouldn't want to. Any normal kid would.
DORT: Yep. The kid's a queer, Jimbo. Because of you.
JIMBO: That's bullshit, Dort.
KENNY: Well, I'm not in trouble, really. I was driving to Florida when I ran out of gas. And I'm not a queer.
DORT: You've got a car? Jimbo, he's got a car!
JIMBO: We need a car.
"Dirty Laundry," developed in Cecilia Fannon's class at the South Coast Repertory Practicum, will play at Stages Theatre in Fullerton, from July 11 to August 16.
STAGEStheatre
400 E Commonwealth Ave.
Fullerton Ca. 92832
714-525-4484
Stagesoc@stagesoc.org
As for Dirty Laundry, it's the touching story of a boy and his dog.... No, actually, it's about four marginal characters, Uncle Roy, Dort, Jimbo & Smith living in a kind of group house. They pool their Social Security and Veterans' Benefits for booze and hookers. As the first scene opens, Denice the Hooker is getting ready to do her thing when, out of the blue, Uncle Roy's nephew Kenny shows up to upset the apple cart....
KENNY: Does she live here too?
SMITH: No, Kenny.
UNCLE ROY: Oh man.
DENICE: I ain't doing no kid, if that's what you're thinking.
DORT: He's only going to watch. No harm in that.
DENICE: No. The kid's got to leave, or else I will.
UNCLE ROY: Alright. Kenny, go wait outside in the yard.
KENNY: What are you going to do?
JIMBO: Nothing. Go outside.
DENICE: No. He'll be looking through the window. He needs to go, go.
KENNY: Come on. What's the big secret?
JIMBO: Jeez, you're dumb. She's a whore. Now go away and come back in an hour.
DENICE: I don't like being called that. Don't call me that.
DORT: Don't call her that, Jimbo.
KENNY: You're really a whore?
DENICE: That's it. See you later.
(Denice tosses the envelope back onto the counter and exits.)
JIMBO: Wait! You're not a whore!
DORT: Yes she is.
JIMBO: Roy, do something!
UNCLE ROY: What can I do?
(Jimbo runs to the door.)
JIMBO: Denice! Come back! Come on, baby!
SMITH: She's gone.
KENNY: She got mad when you called her a whore.
JIMBO: God damn it!
DORT: Jimbo wants to marry her.
JIMBO: I do not.
SMITH: Next month, Jimbo.
JIMBO: What if she doesn't come back?
UNCLE ROY: She'll come back. Next month.
JIMBO: But what if she doesn't?
DORT: Yeah. She might not, Jimbo. Ever. You'll never have a woman again.
UNCLE ROY: We'll find another one if we have to.
KENNY: Was she really a whore?
DORT: What do you think?
JIMBO: The kid bugged her. Made her leave.
KENNY: I didn't know.
JIMBO: We told you to leave and you wouldn't. You scared her off.
KENNY: She didn't look scared. Who was she going to do it with?
SMITH: It's alright, Jimbo. Let's just have a drink.
DORT: All of us.
KENNY: Really? She'd let you?
DORT: Yeah. We share everything. Like a commune. We're communists. She would have screwed you, too, if we gave her enough money.
KENNY: Really? I wouldn't screw her.
JIMBO: Why not?
KENNY: She's a whore.
DORT: Are you crazy? A whore's the perfect woman. She leaves when you're done with her, and she doesn't ask for alimony.
(Uncle Roy picks up the envelope.)
UNCLE ROY: Uh oh!
JIMBO: What?
UNCLE ROY: She took the money.
JIMBO: Oh that bitch! Oh god damn it!
SMITH: Jesus Christ.
DORT: I guess she won't be coming back.
(Sings)
I tried to love you,
But you stole all my money,
Yodel-aye-he-heee-heee-hoooo.
(Stops singing)
Hey, that's a good lyric! Quick, Jimbo, find one of your crayons and write that down.
JIMBO: Roy, how could you let this happen!
UNCLE ROY: That was booze money, too.
SMITH: Not again!
(Smith goes to the kitchen and looks through the cupboards.)
JIMBO: We're broke?
UNCLE ROY: Almost. You guys said "Let's get Denice tonight, Roy." I tried to tell you.
DORT: Ain't no woman worth being sober over. Shit.
JIMBO: It's the kid's fault.
KENNY: I didn't do it!
DORT: Yeah you did.
SMITH: Almost out of food, too.
JIMBO: Roy, what's with him anyway? What's he doing here?
DORT: He's a queer, Jimbo.
KENNY: I am not.
DORT: He's gonna touch your scrotum when you're sleeping.
JIMBO: He better not!
(Smith goes through the house, trying to straighten up the mess.)
UNCLE ROY: Come on, come on. Who needs another beer? Jimbo, you good?
JIMBO: Yeah. But it ain't right, Roy.
UNCLE ROY: Let it go. Kenny, what are you doing here? Are you in trouble?
JIMBO: He just might be queer. Said he wouldn't want to screw a girl. I can't see why he wouldn't want to. Any normal kid would.
DORT: Yep. The kid's a queer, Jimbo. Because of you.
JIMBO: That's bullshit, Dort.
KENNY: Well, I'm not in trouble, really. I was driving to Florida when I ran out of gas. And I'm not a queer.
DORT: You've got a car? Jimbo, he's got a car!
JIMBO: We need a car.
"Dirty Laundry," developed in Cecilia Fannon's class at the South Coast Repertory Practicum, will play at Stages Theatre in Fullerton, from July 11 to August 16.
STAGEStheatre
400 E Commonwealth Ave.
Fullerton Ca. 92832
714-525-4484
Stagesoc@stagesoc.org
Nine Ten - a 9/11 play by Dale Andersen
