JEREMY SHOCKEY'S NEW YEARS EVE PARTY....

There's this football player everyone detests. He's pretty good, but he's loud and arrogant. He was born and raised in Ada, OK (population: 6½). He matriculated at the University of Miami AKA "The U", not exactly your basic Harvard or Princeton. So it's safe to say he's dumb-as-dirt (think of a white version of Chad Ochocinco). Here's his picture...



Gross and grosser!

So last December, this ad appeared on Craig's List:



I look upon such missives as challenges. I responded with uncommon alacrity...



I signed it "Jessica Judd" after two of the lamest women in show business (I figured that would entice him). I searched the web for a pic sufficiently low rent to appeal to Ada Oklahoma's favorite son and a gifted scholar from "The U"...



Alas. I never heard from him. All that work for naught. Oh well...