DIALOGUE - SYRIAN STYLE

ROCK THE CASBAH - YEAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!

Missing - an award-winning dark comedy FEATURED ON SCRIBD.COM by Dale Andersen

BRUBECK'S "TAKE FIVE" -- Pakistani Style

STUCK INSIDE DAMASCUS (WITH THE MEMPHIS BLUES again?)

I wake up in Damascus
To some noise out in the town
I open up the window
“Can’t you people hold it down?”

I spot a soldier standing
And I clear my throat, "Ahem!"
He sees me up above him
And he shouts, “You're one of them!"

I start to close the window
But he's Johnny-on-the-spot
He tells me I’m a pris’ner
Of the al-Mukhabarat.

He takes me to his Sergeant
In a room without a view.
Who says that he has proof that
I'm an agent of the Jews.

He shows me grainy photos
Of a club at Thomas Gate
“That bar’s a Mossad hangout
You were there. It’s check and mate.”

I sign a typed confession
And I thought that we were through.
But no, he tells the soldier,
“Take him up to the HQ."

The Captain at Headquarters
He’s a thug, his name’s Farooq
He takes one look and mutters
“Hell, that ain’t no Jewboy spook."

He tears up the confession
And he kicks me in the balls.
He says, “You’re in al-Qaeda
Give it up and tell me all.”

I rattle off this story
How I trained in Pakistan.
And taught Mohammed Atta
How to sneak through airport scans.

They type a new confession.
As I sign my autograph.
Farooq decides to send me
To the Army Chief of Staff.

They toss me in a dungeon
In a place both dark and dank
They leave me there for six days
The food they gave me stank

The seventh day this colonel
He's one of Bashar’s friends
He drives up to the prison
In a pink Mercedes Benz.

He glares at all around him
He huffs and puffs and roars
His helpers cringe and tremble
As he calls for blood and gore.

He looks at me and hollers
“You’re a liar! You’re a fake!
You never were al-Qaeda.
Didja think you’d get a break?”

He tears up the confession
And he stomps and kicks a chair
“You’re CIA, I know it.
It’s a fact as clear as air.”

I sign a new confession.
As we watch the drying ink,
They post my face on YouTube
They throw me in the clink.

They tell the world they got ‘im
Both the plotter and the plot
They have it down on paper
How this "terrorist" was caught

Each Friday before Moslem prayer
They trot me out to say,
“I’m an agent of al-Qaeda
Of the Jews and CIA.”

So that is all my story.
Each word I swear is true
I’m stuck inside Damascus
Guess it’s better me than you

But if you ever go there
And you’re feeling in a rut
Don’t go looking for trouble, Dude,
Just keep the window shut.

And stay out of the daylight
Just sit there like a monk
Go pour yourself a strong one
Hell, you might as well get drunk.
 
'Cause it's crazy in this city.
It's a parallel universe
All the cops are cutthroats.
It only can get worse.
 
The al-Assads are werewolves
Maher's a bombardier.
Asma's locked in a tower.
She stares into a mirror. 

The Parliament's a dumb show.
The Prime Minister's a chump.
The Grand Mufti's a hunchback.
The Mosque's an ammo dump
 
So what's that sound we're hearing?
Is it a wounded tiger's roar,
Or the cry of a despot dying?
Let him die like a dinosaur.
 
But hang on tight to that ticket
It's the last train to the coast.
You do not want to be stuck here
And end up being toast.

Download a copy of the poem here...

HITLER AND THE ARABS - nazis in the middle east

First, a quick story. A few years back, Christopher Hitchens, the famous British atheist, was in Beirut. And he was walking with friends to a bar when he passed an SSNP poster on a wall. I'll let a blogger tell the rest of the story:

...we come across a poster for the SSNP on an abandoned
bagel shop -- abandoned, if I had this right, after Hezballah had attacked
it last year due to the overly Jewish connotations of bagelry.

So Hitchens immediately takes out a pen and writes "No, no, Fuck You" on
the poster. In case you were wondering, the SSNP Nazis are very unpopular.
Neighborhoods have tried to get the posters taken down. But when they try,
the SSNP threatens people and causes problems. So the state leaves them up.

And to avoid getting them defaced or torn down, the SSNP pays these
out-of-work goons to stand there and keep an eye on the posters.

Well, when this Syrian Nazi goon saw Hitch do this, he confronted him and
kinda-sorta attacked him. I say "kinda sorta" attacked, because his main
intention was to delay Hitchens from leaving -- until the ten Nazi goons
he had just texted on his cell phone could arrive.

There was some kicking and pulling and hitting. Hitch and the others
attempted to get into a cab -- the Syrian Nazi goon got right in the cab
with them, still hitting Hitchens. They could not force him out. Eventually
they all exited, and attempted to get a fresh cab, but other cabbies were
now hip to the fact the Syrian Nazis had been riled and wanted no business
from them, so two cabs passed refusing their fare.

Now at this point the ten Nazi goons showed up (about five minutes into
this -- they came quickly) and Hitch and his friends were probably going
to get the crap beaten out of them, at best. However, they finally managed
to get a cabbie who was either brave or didn't know the trouble he was
getting into and got in, this time without the goon, and left the other
ten behind.

Now, as far as the damage Hitch suffered, it wasn't much. He did get some
lumps -- a knock on the leg, a scrape on the face. And also his writing
hand had been stomped on. He'd been roughed up, but didn't have "the shit
beaten out of him." Apart from a bit of pain walking and some more pain
typing, he was fine.




So. Nazis in Syria and Lebanon. Where did this shit come from? Read the rest and find out.

On February 1, 1944, two unlikely allies in the United States Senate—Robert Wagner (D-New York) and Robert Taft (R-Ohio)—introduced a resolution that caused shockwaves around the globe. Their initiative advocated American support for “free and unlimited entry of Jews into Palestine for the creation of a Jewish commonwealth.” This was a bold move and one that put the Roosevelt administration on the spot.

Nearly five years earlier, the British government had released a White Paper on the issue of Palestine—one that largely abandoned the Jewish people in that region. Since the 1917 Balfour Declaration and during the period of the British Mandate they had been largely supportive of Jewish migration to Palestine and the idea of a Jewish state there. In essence, the White Paper changed all of that. It advocated severe limitations on Jewish immigration to Palestine—this at a time when European anti-Semitism was reaching critical mass.

The gang in Berlin was pleased.

Interestingly, at the time of that 1939 White Paper, two men who would later strongly support the creation of the modern state of Israel saw things differently. Winston Churchill spoke to the House of Commons on May 22, 1939 “as one intimately and responsibly concerned in the earlier states of our Palestine policy,” and insisted that he would not “stand by and see the solemn engagements into which Britain has entered before the world set aside.” And in the USA, Senator Harry S. Truman from Missouri —- who had no clue at the time that he’d be a major player on the world stage in a few years –- also issued a forthright condemnation that was inserted into the Congressional Record:

Mr. President, the British Government has used its diplomatic
umbrella again, this time on Palestine. It has made a scrap of
paper out of Lord Balfour’s promise to the Jews and has added
another to the long list of surrenders to the Nazis.

But instead of embracing the ideas put forth by Taft and Wagner in 1944, the White House, State Department, and other powerful entities in the government pulled out all the stops to make sure that the idea of proposing a homeland in Palestine for Jews went away. They did this even though they knew very well about the ongoing mass extermination of European Jews at the hands of the Nazis.

The standard answer to the obvious question as to why the Holocaust evoked little official response from our government until near the end of the war has been to cite “isolationism,” or “economic Depression,” or “xenophobia” in our nation. Presumably, the idea of doing anything overtly “pro-Jewish” was politically untenable — so goes the argument.

But a closer look reveals something else going on at the time—and ever since.

The most lasting legacy of the toxins that created an epochal global conflict is the fact that elements of Nazism in many ways survive to this day in Islamism. The short-sightedness of FDR’s cronies was corrected in part by his successor, a man of courage who chose to recognize the new State of Israel eleven minutes after its birth in May of 1948. But the question remains: Why did FDR and company not get on the bandwagon, even while millions of Jews were being slaughtered?

Sadly, the real reason has a lot to do with U.S. surrender to Nazi propaganda—its power and content.

Largely overlooked or dismissed in the years since is the fact that the Nazi propaganda machine, the distortion factory that shaped attitudes in Germany throughout the duration of the infamous Third Reich, had its most lasting impact far away from the boroughs and beer halls of Deutschland. In fact, Hitler’s nightmarish vision of ridding Europe of Jews was only the beginning of what he wanted to do—he wanted to extend The Final Solution to Palestine.

And he had been preparing the hearts and minds of the Muslim world for many years.

Jeffrey Herf, a professor of history at the University of Maryland, has written an eye-opening book about the effectiveness of Nazi ideas in the Middle East during the Second World War called, “Nazi Propaganda For The Arab World.” In it, he describes the Nazi campaign for the minds and hearts of the Arab world in great detail—particularly the Axis radio programs that ran in Arabic around the clock from late 1939 until March of 1945.

These broadcasts spewed venomous anti-Semitism and pushed every demagogic button imaginable. They were also highly effective. In fact, long after the last vestige of Nazi rhetoric faded from consciousness in Europe, the poisonous seeds planted back then are still bearing deadly fruit.

The mind-set that gave way to the Third Reich is very much alive and well in the Muslim world of the Middle East.

When those two senatorial strange-bedfellows offered their visionary resolution in 1944 about a Jewish homeland in Palestine, the “Axis Broadcasts in Arabic” were way ahead of the story. Mr. Herf has accessed a significant cache of transcripts and leaflets produced by the Nazis during the war—materials that have not been adequately examined—until now.

So back in 1944, any hopes a couple of well-intentioned voices in Washington might have had to garner widespread national support for a Jewish homeland in Palestine were dashed by forces largely influenced by the hate-speak of Nazi propagandists. Berlin, broadcasting in Arabic, referred to Taft and Wagner as “criminal American senators,” while announcing, “a great tragedy is about to be unfolded, a great massacre, another turbulent war is about to start in the Arab countries.”

And in phraseology that sounds eerily familiar to what we still regularly hear from Islamists, the Nazis described the stakes as kill or be killed:

Arabs and Moslems, sons of the East, this menace threatens
your very lives, endangers your beliefs and aims at your wealth.
No trace of you will remain. Your doom is sealed. It were better
if the earth opened and engulfed everybody; it were better if
the skies fell upon us, bringing havoc and destruction; all this,
rather than the sun of Islam should set and the Koran perish…
Stir up wars and revolutions, stand fast against the aggressors,
let your hearts, afire with faith, burst asunder! Advance your
armies and drive out the menace.

Bear in mind that this is a 1944 Nazi broadcast to the Arab/Muslims in Palestine. Of course, the relationship between Hitler and Haj Amin al-Husseini, the Grand Mufti in Jerusalem, is well known and documented, but the broadcasts from Berlin to Palestine are just now beginning to be examined. And what is being found is further evidence that to refer to Islamists as Nazi or Fascist-like is no smear—or stretch.

The rhetoric broadcast to the Middle East 70 years ago is still being noised about—and even more pervasively and effectively. Back then, the attitudes it reinforced, complete with distortion, hate, and prejudice, caused U.S. officials, from FDR on down, to “go wobbly”—as Margaret Thatcher would say.

It is sadly clear that the most lasting impact of the Nazi propaganda machine is that murderous ideas espoused back then are alive and well in our day and age and still being used to demonize and kill Jews.


READ IT IN LARGE PRINT HERE


DOWNLOAD A COPY HERE

THE UNITED STATES RECOGNITION OF ISRAEL 1948

Download a copy here

THE TALIBAN ARE 60 MILES FROM PAKISTAN'S NUKES

The Taliban's Atomic Threat

By JOHN R. BOLTON


President Barack Obama endorsed Pakistan's official position that it has secure control over its nuclear-weapons arsenal. Mr. Obama said he was "gravely concerned" about the situation there, but "confident that the nuclear arsenal will remain out of militant hands."

His words are not reassuring.

Our security, and that of friends and allies, depends critically on preventing more adversaries from acquiring nuclear weapons. Unless there is swift action, Pakistan faces two very worrisome scenarios.

One scenario is that instability continues to grow, and that the radicals disrupt Pakistan's weak democratic institutions and the military. In these circumstances -- especially if, as Secretary of State Clinton testified recently, the nuclear arsenal has been dispersed -- there is a tangible risk that some weapons could slip out of military control. Such weapons could find their way to al-Qaeda, with obvious global implications.

The second scenario is even more dangerous. Instability could cause the constitutional government to collapse and the military to fragment. This could allow a well-organized, tightly disciplined group to seize control of the Pakistani government. If that happened, a radical Islamicist regime in Pakistan would control a substantial nuclear weapons capacity.

Not only could this second scenario give terrorists access to Pakistan's nuclear capabilities, the risk of nuclear confrontation with India would also increase. Moreover, Iran would certainly further accelerate its own weapons program, followed by others in the region (e.g., Saudi Arabia, Egypt and Turkey).

With respect to the fighting in Pakistan, it is not a case of "have nots" against "haves," but of True Believers on a divine mission. Accordingly, neither greater economic assistance, nor more civilian advisers upcountry, nor stronger democratic institutions will eliminate the strategic threat nearly soon enough.


We are reaping the consequences of failed nonproliferation policies. Add to that, the Bush administration, by pushing former President Pervez Musharraf into unwise elections and effectively removing him from power, simply exacerbated Pakistani instability. Mr. Musharraf's performance against the terrorists left much to be desired, and he was no democrat. But removing him was unpleasantly reminiscent of the 1963 coup against South Vietnam's Diem regime, which ushered in a succession of ever-weaker, revolving-door governments. Benazir Bhutto's assassination was a direct consequence.

To prevent catastrophe will require considerable American effort and unquestionably provoke resistance from many Pakistanis. We must strengthen pro-American elements in Pakistan's military; roll back Taliban advances; and with increased efforts, decisively defeat the militants. This may mean stifling our democratic squeamishness. This may mean a Pakistani military takeover.

If the civilian government melts before radical pressures, so be it.

We must strive to keep Indo-Pakistani relations stable. At the same time, we should contemplate how to extract as many nuclear weapons as possible from Pakistan.

Failure to act decisively could well lead to strategic defeat in South Asia.

IT HAS STARTED...

This from one of the leaders of al-Qaeda:

"Muslims in Pakistan, and especially their clerics, should prepare themselves and rise up to perform the duty of fighting the Pakistani army and the rest of the apparatus that are the pillars of their tyrannical state. The criminals in the Pakistani government and its army have not only been a cover for the occupying crusader infidels in Afghanistan, they have directly helped them in committing all their crimes in Afghanistan and elsewhere."

PAKISTAN HASN'T CHANGED IN 10 YEARS...

Scroll back to 2001. Here's a Life Magazine photo from Pakistan. You see a Mullah standing on a soapbox (how appropriate!) addressing the crowd. Seems he's got a hair up his ass about cable TV's content being way too sexual. Especially those Mary Tyler Moore Show reruns. I never liked MTM. Rhoda was a skank and Phyllis had all those kinky fantasies about Lars. That show should have been banned in America...

AMERICA DESERVES TO DIE, DIE, DIE...

I have finally decided to agree with the jihadis. American culture deserves to be eradicated. It no longer has any right to exist.

Look at it this way. If America did not exist, I would not have known that today, Martha Stewart's dog shook off this mortal coil.




What kind of a culture decides that Martha's dog's death is important news? A culture that wants to die, that's who. What kind of a culture deems it necessary to follow every minute detail of a money whore's life? A culture that's become irrelevant, out of touch, beyond hope, that's who.

Just shoot us.

Please.

NUKES BY CHRISTMAS

This is how it will be.

Soon, very soon, there will be one, two, three, maybe four nuclear explosions.

They will happen because of Pakistan.

Conditions are already in place that point to a nuclear episode in the near future. Here they are in no particular order:

1. The Taliban are 100 miles from Islamabad. For those who missed school the day they passed out the geography plugins, Islamabad is the capital of Pakistan. The Taliban's being 100 miles away? It's like from San Diego to Los Angeles.

2. The USA is distracted. The USA is the only country in the world with the capability of moving 25,000 troops (with their armor and equipment, including tactical nukes) from Point A to Point B anywhere in the world within 24 hours. But right now (and for several years to come), the USA is hobbled by the economic crisis.

3. India, because of the Mumbai incident last Christmas, is watching events in Pakistan with one finger on the nuclear button.

4. China, because of its restless Uighur Muslim minority, is watching events in Pakistan with deep concern.

5. Iran is feverishly trying to get its nuclear program up and running. Some think it's doing so because of a perceived threat from the USA and Israel. That's bullshit. Iran's nightmare is the Taliban with nukes.


So the Taliban are 100 miles from paydirt.

Here's where they are now:



See where it says "SWAT"? That's a mountainous region 100 miles from Islamabad. Some people refer to it as the Switzerland of Pakistan. Great skiing. It's now Taliban country, meaning you can leave your skis at home. In fact, don't come at all unless your thing is Muslim revolution. If that's your thing, there's lots of work there for you. Here's a taste of what's going on:


The brutal murder of Shabana in the Swat Valley once again drove home who is in control – the Taliban,not the government. Shabana's bullet-ridden body of was discovered in the centre of Mingora's Green Square. Her body was found slumped on the ground, strewn with bank notes, CDs of her dance performances and pictures from her photo album. In case anyone had not grasped the message, the local Taliban commander Maulana Shah Dauran broadcast a warning on its FM radio stations in the valley: his men had killed her and if any other girls were found performing in the city's Bazaar they would be killed "one by one".

This weekend the last of the bazaar's dancing girls, many of whom had trained under Shabana's wing and lived in her house, were seen loading their belongings on to trucks and fleeing to the relative safety of Karachi and Lahore, where their talents remain in great demand.

The performances of the dancing girls in the Bazaar had been one of the city's last "vices", but in the narrow street where, until last week, they plied their trade, signs were posted on doors stating: "We have stopped dancing, please do not knock on the door."

The street now closes at 8pm and only those who live there can leave or enter.


The Taliban are in the process of consolidating their hold on Swat. That means, they're killing (or punishing) sinners, to the delight of the believers. And these sinners they're going after include Shi'ites, by the way. The Taliban are hard-core Sunnis. Shi'ites are heretics.

The Taliban have no intention of stopping with Swat. Swat is the beginning. Today Swat, tomorrow Pakistan, next year, the World.

The President of Pakistan, three days ago, said, "This is war for the survival of the country." Survival of the country. When did you last hear a leader of a sovereign state say that?

The problem is, Pakistan's military can't (or won't) fight for its survival. The Pakistani Army is in the Swat Valley in force (whatever that means). But the Army hides. The Army is afraid.

The Taliban will grow bolder. They will soon strike at the heart of the Pakistani government. As in "On to Islamabad!"

If they succeed (and I think they have a good shot), they will have nuclear weapons and a delivery system (missiles). Oh dear! Did I forget to mention that Pakistan is a member in good standing (whatever that means) of the Nuclear Club?

What do you think China and India will do then? What do you think Iran will do? What do you think the USA will do?

Oh my! Is that a mushroom cloud I see?

KING DAVID, FLAWS AND ALL

IMAGINE: a musical about david by Dale Andersen

David. Shepherd boy. Giant Killer. Bandit Prince. Poet. Composer. Singer. Dancer. General. Lawgiver. Priest King. Temple Builder. As well as bad friend, bad lover, bad family guy. In other words, flawed, flawed, flawed.

The neat thing is, we have so much detail on David. Enough detail for at least six movies. There's the David and Samuel story. And the David and Goliath story. And David and King Saul. David and Jonathan. David and Bathsheba. David and Absalom. Whew!

Mind you, the flaws are his best part. David's flaws are massive in scope and cut right to the bone. A Christian can identify with David. Every Christian likes a good juicy flaw and David has a truckload. Face it, he's wasted on the Jews. All they ever did was name a hotel after him. The Muslims are even more clueless. They declared him a prophet. For those of you who don't know, a Muslim prophet is a man who is entirely without sin. How boring.

So anyway....

I wrote a musical about David. 18 songs. I wrote the lyrics. Will Lakow wrote the music. This is Will:



Will's in studio these days cutting a new album. Can't wait for that.

I put together a seven minute medley. Just click and you'll get a flavor of my David...



My fave Will Lakow tune is One Shot, a jazzy piano-rock piece...



YOU GET ONE SHOT
AND YOU SINK OR SWIM WITH IT
YOU GET ONE SHOT
AND YOU SOAR OR TAKE A HIT

GRAB IT AND YOU'RE OH SO CLEVER
SEE YOU ON YOUR WAY
GRAB IT OR IT'S LOST FOREVER
WATCH IT SLIP AWAY

YOU GET ONE SHOT
IT'S THE SAME FOR ALL AND ONE
YOU GET ONE SHOT
FOR YOUR SEASON IN THE SUN

GRAB IT AND YOU'RE OH SO CLEVER
SEE YOU TOUCH THE SKY
GRAB IT OR IT'S LOST FOREVER
KISS YOUR LUCK GOOD BYE

YOU GET ONE SHOT
DID YOUR BEST GO IN THE TANK?
YOU GET ONE SHOT
THERE'S THE QUICKSAND AND YOU SANK

ONE SHOT AND YOU'RE HISTORY
ONE SHOT AND IT'S OVER
ONE SHOT FOR THE VICTORY
ONE SHOT, YOU'RE IN CLOVER

YOU GET ONE SHOT
ALWAYS ONCE AND NEVER TWICE.
YOU GET ONE SHOT
FOR THE CHAMPAGNE CHILLED ON ICE.

IT'S ONE SHOT TO CLEAR ALL THE BASES
ONE SHOT TO DRAW ALL THE ACES
ONE SHOT TO WIN ALL THE RACES
ONE SHOT'S ALL YOU GET!


Here's the first 14 pages of my David musical. Enjoy!




(At rise: a lovely afternoon. A verdant meadow. DAVID keeps watch over his father's flock, writing in a copybook. His slingshot lies beside him. SHEEP 1, SHEEP 2 & SHEEP 3 recline chewing cuds. Enter SATAN in a black robe. He walks with a slight limp. He stands at a distance, watches DAVID warily, frowning. Enter GABRIEL in a white robe)

GABRIEL:

Well, what do you know? Satan! It's really you! As I live and breathe! Seemed like you fell off the edge of the earth. What have you been doing with yourself?

SATAN:

Oh, you know me. Going here, there and everywhere, to and fro in the earth. Walking up and down in it.

GABRIEL:

Lovely afternoon.

SATAN:

It is indeed. Been a long time, hasn't it?

GABRIEL:

It has. We should get together now and then.

SATAN:

We should. We really should. I'm not just saying that.

GABRIEL:

Oh now, look over there. Isn't that young David? Such a dutiful boy, keeping watch over his father's sheep. And always with some writing material on him. Such diligence.

SATAN:

Diligence? His merely having a pen and paper warrants your praise? Your standards are much too relaxed. It's just some schoolboy doodling.

GABRIEL:

You're being hard on the boy.

SATAN:

I seriously doubt you'll find the Code of Hammurabi or an account of Deucalion's Flood in there. Think how it was in our day. Nowadays it's hey, whatever.

GABRIEL:

They say David writes for self-improvement.

SATAN:

You'd be shocked at what kids do for quote self-improvement.

GABRIEL:

I'm sure David is writing something serious.

SATAN:

Perhaps. Perhaps. Or he may be scribbling trash. Or a love sonnet. Or, God forbid, drawings of naked girls.

GABRIEL:

Is your knee acting up?

SATAN:

My knee's fine. What's not fine is the current state of things. In our day, life was serious.

GABRIEL:

That was then. I say, David's not the type to engage in trash. In fact, I'm willing to bet money on it.

SATAN:

Oh, beware, Master Gabriel! He who bets, barters hope for false hope. Sorrow and misery will engulf thee.

GABRIEL:

I was speaking of a friendly wager, Master Satan.

SATAN:

Oh. Well. As long as its friendly.

(SATAN & GABRIEL stop near DAVID. SHEEP 1, 2 & 3 eye them suspiciously. GABRIEL clears throat)

GABRIEL:

Greetings, young David. And how are things with the herd this lovely Spring afternoon?

(SHEEP 1 & 2 roll their eyes. SHEEP 3 sticks out tongue. DAVID looks up)

DAVID:

Flock. It's flock. A group of sheep is a flock.

(SHEEP 1, 2 & 3 hold up signs Flock flock flock, were a flock)

GABRIEL:

We stand corrected. We couldn't help noticing you always seem to have writing material with you.

DAVID:

Yes, sir. I keep a copybook. To write my ideas down.

GABRIEL:

So you do. So you do. Admirable practice, that.

DAVID:

(Stands, sticks slingshot in belt)
My mother says, you never know when an idea will hit. For example? I had an incredible idea for. Are you ready for this? The temple! Came to me out of the blue. Almost like a dream. Like wham! There it was.

SATAN:

(Rolls eyes)
Oh Dear God in Heaven!

GABRIEL:

Dont mind Master Satan. Ever since the fall. And the knee injury. Well, never mind. David, tell us about this temple, please. Details. Details.

DAVID:

Oh, just amazing. It came to me in living color. All the proportions, the lengths, the widths, the heights. I have it all down in here. I made numerous sketches. I even know where the temple should go. Look over there. Do you see that ridge?

GABRIEL:

You mean that one? By Jerusalem there?

DAVID:

Yes. Mount Moriah. The high point outside the walls.

GABRIEL:

I will admit it does look like a promising site.

DAVID:

I calculated the temple's height, floor to dome, at fifty feet. As God's house, we need room for Him to stand inside and move about. God is forty feet tall.

SATAN:

Forty feet tall? Where on earth did you get that?

DAVID:

From reading Moses. The passage in the Torah where he took the elders up Mount Sinai to meet God? It says they saw the feet of God. I thought long and hard about that. People were smaller back then, due to diet, disease, whatever. Assuming a man back then was four and a half feet tall, assuming God's ankle was at eye level, it should measure four feet from God's sole to His ankle.

GABRIEL:

This is very interesting! A solid biblical reference!

SATAN:

(Rolls eyes)
Oh right.

DAVID:

The feet and ankles being one-tenth of a man's height, and keeping in mind that man is formed in God's image, I extrapolated God's aggregate height as forty feet.

GABRIEL:

Why boy! Youre amazing!

DAVID:

Someday, somehow, I'm going to build this temple.

(Sings. As he does, SHEEP 1, 2, 3 collect wood and stones and erect a rude temple)


(Sings)
IMAGINE
ON THAT MOUNTAINTOP A TEMPLE
IMAGINE ON THAT MOUNTAINTOP GOD'S HOME
IMAGINE FROM AFAR
LIKE A BRIGHT AND SHINING STAR
A TEMPLE TO THE GLORY
OF THE ONE WHO REIGNS

THEN CONSIDER
ALL THE WHEREWITHAL TO MAKE IT
CONSIDER ALL THE WHEREWITHAL TO START
CONSIDER ALL THE PARTS
EACH CRAFTSMAN AND HIS ART
EACH MASON EV'RY CARVER
AND EACH ARTISAN

THEN YOU ASK ME
WHO'S THE WORTHY ONE TO BUILD IT
YOU ASK ME WHOS THE WORTHY ONE TO TRY
YOU ASK ME TO IMPART
WHAT TRUTH WITHIN MY HEART
COMPELS ME TO ENDEAVOR
TO EXALT HIS NAME

AND GOD WILLING I WILL BUILD IT
AND GOD WILLING IT WILL STAND
AND GOD WILLING IT WILL LIGHT UP
LIKE A BEACON IN THE LAND.

AND GOD WILLING I WILL BUILD IT
AND GOD WILLING IT WILL BE
AND GOD WILLING IT WILL GUARD US
FROM THE MOUNTAINS TO THE SEA.

AND GOD WILLING I WILL BUILD IT
AND GOD WILLING IT WILL RULE
AND GOD WILLING IT WILL SHOW US
HOW TO KNOW THAT WHICH IS TRUE.

AND GOD WILLING I WILL BUILD IT
AND GOD WILLING WITH HIS LOVE
AND GOD WILLING WE WILL KNOW HIM
AND HIS BLESSINGS FROM ABOVE.

IMAGINE
ON THAT MOUNTAINTOP A TEMPLE
IMAGINE ON THAT MOUNTAINTOP GOD'S HOME
IMAGINE FROM AFAR
LIKE A BRIGHT AND SHINING STAR
A TEMPLE TO THE GLORY
OF THE ONE WHO REIGNS
(Beat)
Someday, I will build it.

SATAN:

Shepherd boy to temple builder. Now that's a stretch.

GABRIEL:

Now now. Let's not discourage the lad.

SATAN:

Far be it from me to discourage any young person with reasonable goals. Now correct me if I'm wrong on this, in order to build a temple.

DAVID:

No no. The Temple!

SATAN:

Right. Yes. The Temple. In order to build the temple, one would first have to be the king. Young David's kingly prospects don't seem very promising.

DAVID:

You mean I have to be king first? Is that right?

GABRIEL:

I'm afraid Master Satan is right.

SATAN:

Of course I'm right.

GABRIEL:

You see, David, kings don't take kindly to private citizens usurping kingly functions. Building the temple would be a task reserved for a king.

DAVID:

King. Hmmmm. I could do that. I'd make a good king.

(SHEEP 1 & 2 hold coronation for SHEEP 3)

GABRIEL:

I've no doubt you would.

SATAN:

Why are you encouraging him? Let him be something normal, like a farmer.

GABRIEL:

But a king can do so much good. Think of the benefits.

SATAN:

Think of all the waste. Kings tend to be bad.

GABRIEL:

Goodness! There is so much negativity in you.

SATAN:

It's called reality.


(Sings)
THIS IS WHAT A KING WILL DO
HE'LL TAKE YOUR EV'RY SON,
HE'LL TAKE THEM FOR HIS CHARIOTS
HE'LL TAKE THEM EVRY ONE.

THIS IS WHAT A KING WILL DO
HE'LL FILL THE LAND WITH SPIES
HE'LL FILL YOUR PURSE WITH BRIBERY
HE'LL FILL YOUR HEAD WITH LIES.

THIS IS WHAT A KING WILL DO
HE'LL COUNT YOUR HOUSE AND LAND
HE'LL COUNT ON YOU TO PAY THE TAX
HE'LL COUNT YOU AS HIS MAN.

A KING WILL TAKE YOUR SILVER
A KING WILL TAKE YOUR GOLD
HE'LL GIVE IT TO HIS OFFICERS
TO KEEP THEM BOUGHT AND SOLD

THIS IS WHAT A KING WILL DO
HE'LL PUT YOU IN HIS SIGHTS
HE'LL PUT HIS FOOT DOWN ON YOUR NECK
HE'LL PUT TO DEATH YOUR RIGHTS.

A KING WILL TAKE YOUR DIAMONDS
A KING WILL TAKE YOUR PEARLS
HE'LL MAKE THEM INTO NECKLACES
FOR ALL HIS WIVES AND GIRLS

SO THAT IS WHAT A KING WILL DO
YOU'LL CRY OUT FOR RELIEF.
YOU'LL CRY OUT HOW THIS ISN'T JUST
YOU'LL CRY OUT IN YOUR GRIEF.

THAT IS WHAT A KING WILL DO
HE'LL TAKE YOUR EV'RY SON,
HE'LL TAKE THEM FOR HIS CHARIOTS
HE'LL TAKE THEM EVRY ONE.

DAVID:

No! No! I would never be like that.

GABRIEL:

Of course you wouldn't. Of course he wouldn't.

DAVID:

My mom would be really angry if I was a bad king.

GABRIEL:

You'd never be that.

DAVID:

No way. When I am king, you know what I'll do? I'll go to peoples houses and knock on their door. Ill say, Hi, I'm David. Your King? How'm I doing?

(Mime. SHEEP 3, wearing crown, knocks on door. SHEEP 1 & 2, as humble peasants, open door, feign exaggerated shock, delight)

GABRIEL:

A truly laudable idea.

SATAN:

What if they say, David, you stink! You should quit!

(Long pause)

DAVID:

No! They. They wouldn't say that. Would they?

SATAN:

Master Gabriel and I had a bet about you. My bet was that you, like all young people today, engage in nothing but idle thoughts and trash. I think that's been amply demonstrated.
(Hands coin to DAVID)
Heres the amount we bet. I won. I always win. I give my winnings to you. You'll need it. Just don't spend it all in one place, boy.

(SATAN turns to leave, a smug smile)

DAVID:

How about I give you a chance to win it back?

SATAN:

Thanks but no thanks. Once is enough. You keep it.

DAVID:

Just as I suspected. You go for the easy wins, do you? But run away from the hard ones. Is that it?

(SATAN stops, does not turn)

SATAN:

You don't know what hard means, little one.

GABRIEL:

David. Please. Master Satan meant it as a joke. There was no intention to insult you. Let it go.

SATAN:

(Turns)
No. Let him talk. Let him dig the hole deeper.

DAVID:

Master Gabriel is a kind person. He'll always let you win. With me, it'd be different. It wouldn't be a gimme. But go ahead and run away if you want.

SATAN:

You do have a mouth on you.

GABRIEL:

Oh David. I do wish you'd learn to hold your tongue.

SATAN:

It's all right, Gabriel. He needs to learn. Name your game, boy.

DAVID:

Rock, Paper, Scissors.

SATAN:

I know the game.

DAVID:

(Sets coin on ground)
One time. One time for all the marbles. Rock smashes scissors. Scissors cut paper. Paper covers rock.

SATAN:

I said, I know the game. Let's do it.

(GABRIEL moves back. SATAN & DAVID circle each other, staring each other down. They stop. They face each other)

DAVID & SATAN:

Once. Twice. Thrice. Go!

(They both show rock)

SATAN:

Oho! You got lucky that time.

(SATAN & DAVID circle each other menacingly. They stop. They face each other)

DAVID & SATAN:

Once. Twice. Thrice. Go!

(They both show paper)

SATAN:

Another tie. I'm getting to like you less and less.

(SATAN & DAVID circle each other. They stop. They face each other. SATAN nervously blinks, licks his lips)

DAVID & SATAN:

Once. Twice. Thrice. Go!

(SATAN shows paper. DAVID shows scissors. SATAN gasps. DAVID grins)

DAVID:

Scissors cut paper, old man.

(Fade to black. Lights up. Bare stage. SATAN in garish rock and roll garb. He rubs a welt on his arm. It is painful. He gingerly rubs in some balm. A piano is off to the side)

SATAN:

I'll have you know I'm a person of consequence. In the past, I've played opposite some very pretty ladies. And I've had lots of good lines. Lots.
(Takes tattered script)
Here. This is a good example. A nude scene. Listen.
(Reads)
Satan:.. Did God really mean, you mustn't
...........eat from that tree?
Eve:.... We may eat fruit from the trees, but not that one,
...........lest we die. We're not even supposed to touch it.
Satan:.. You won't die. He knows when you eat of it,
...........your eyes'll be opened and you'll be like him.
...........Here. Try it. You'll like it.
(Puts script away)
Wonderful lines, those. Pithy. Dramatic. Fraught with shadings and nuance. They don't write lines like that anymore. Today it's sophomoric relationship drivel spluttered. Thats uttered with a spluh. Spluttered by limp, weak, whiney, clueless, dysfunctional protagonists. I must admit I have deep concerns. A sense of foreboding, if you will. I've a feeling I'll not be well represented in this conceit. No matter. The show goes on, and trouper that I am, I'll strut my hour on stage. But I'll strut warily.
(SAMUEL enters. He has a petition in his hand. He appears troubled)
Samuel, son of Elkanah. A powerful prophet and judge. So powerful they say Jehovah Himself floats on a cloud just behind him. Normally, he's self-assured. But lately, he's been worried. He has a problem. It seems the people want.

SAMUEL:

A king. Half the people in Israel have signed this. This petition!

(JEWS 1, 2, 3 enter with "KING NOW!" protest signs. SATAN goes to piano, plays and sings Jerry Lee Lewis style)

SATAN:

(Sings)
OL' SAM HE GOT THE "KING NOW" BLUES
IT'S GIVING HIM A FRIGHT
PEOPLE MARCHIN' BY HIS HOUSE
ALL HOURS DAY AND NIGHT
PEOPLE AGITATIN' TO
MAKE CHANGES TO THE LAW
HE WONDERS IF THE CAMEL'S BACK
IS BROKEN BY THIS STRAW.
PEOPLE SAY, WE WANT A KING.
THAT'S HOW ITS GOTTA BE.
SORRY, SAM, WE'RE MOVING ON.
DONT BLOCK REALITY

NOW BUCK UP SAMUEL, BUCK UP
BUCK UP SAMUEL, BUCK UP
BUCK UP SAMUEL, BUCK UP
BUCK UP SAMUEL, BUCK UP
BUCK UP SAMUEL
THINGS'LL GET BETTER FOR YOU.

SAMUEL CRIES IT JUST AIN'T FAIR.
IT'S CRASHING DOWN MY LIFE!
HE HEADS OFF TO SUBURBIA
AND KICKS HIS DOG AND WIFE.
HE GOES INTO THE SYNAGOGUE.
LIKE ANY PIOUS JEW.
TELL ME, TELL ME, LORD OF HOSTS.
OH, TELL ME WHAT TO DO.
THE ANSWER COMES BACK PRESENTLY
THE ANSWER COMES TO HIM.
HAVE A BOWL OF CHICKEN SOUP
AND TAKE SOME ASPIRIN.

AND BUCK UP SAMUEL, BUCK UP
BUCK UP SAMUEL, BUCK UP
BUCK UP SAMUEL, BUCK UP
BUCK UP SAMUEL, BUCK UP
BUCK UP SAMUEL
THINGS'LL GET BETTER FOR YOU.

SAMUEL CRIES, BUCK UP, YOU SAY?
YOU TOSSIN' ME A BONE?
YOU THROW ME IN THE LIONS' DEN,
I FEEL SO ALL ALONE
NOW SAMUEL, HE'S GROWN USED TO ALL
THE STATUS HE ENJOYS,
USING ALL THE PRIVILEGES,
AND POWER HE DEPLOYS.
FROWNS WHEN YAHWEH SAYS TO HIM
NOW PLEASE DON'T MISCONSTRUE
GET OUT IN FRONT AND LEAD OR I'LL
SEND YOU TO TIMBUKTU.

NOW BUCK UP SAMUEL, BUCK UP
BUCK UP SAMUEL, BUCK UP
BUCK UP SAMUEL, BUCK UP
BUCK UP SAMUEL, BUCK UP
BUCK UP SAMUEL
THINGS'LL GET BETTER FOR YOU.

JEW 1:

The Philistines have kings. Even the dirty, thieving, bushwhacking Amalekites have a king. What about us?

JEW 2:

We need a king. So we can kick some butt.

SAMUEL:

Be patient, my friends. No need for drastic measures. In due time and in the very near future, maybe really, really soon, the Philistine situation will be resolved in our favor.

JEW 3:

Favor schmavor. The future is now. We need a king now.

JEWS 1, 2, 3:

(Waving signs)
King now! King now! King now! King now!

(JEWS 1, 2, 3 exit, chanting, King now! King now! SAMUEL shakes his head wearily, exits in opposite direction)

SATAN:

(Dons robe of royal official as he speaks)
Contrary to received wisdom, I like Jews. Theyre plucky, combative, stiff-necked and they always read the fine print. But every once in a while, they go off the deep end. Take this king thing. There's lots of downside to having a king. Personally, I vote libertarian. The less government, the better. But hey, that's me.

(Lights up, SAUL's throne room. Mandate of Heaven certificate on wall above throne. MASKED AMALEKITE in tribal garb enters, flings spear with a note attached at Mandate. Spear sticks in wall in center of Mandate with a loud thunk! MASKED AMALEKITE exits. SAUL rushes in followed by SAUL'S AIDE 2 & SATAN. SATAN winks at audience)

SAUL:

Did you hear that? What was that?!

SATAN:

What was what, your grace?

SAUL:

Oh my God! Look!

SAUL'S AIDE 2:

An Amalekite spear in your Mandate. With a note.

SAUL:

What does it say? Read it!

SATAN:

(Reads note)
"Oh King Saul! Lament, for yours is a realm of darkness and obscurity! Your legacy will be ruin and more ruin!"

SAUL:

Those Amalekites are scum!

The full script is here