BIG PENISES & BIG PENS, THEIR RISE AND FALL...

For those of you who got here by googling "big penis," this is for you.


For the rest of you, read below...

About twenty years ago, when the illiterates and the dumbasses came of age and began taking over, we got the BIG FAT PEN. The advent of the BIG FAT PEN coincided precisely with the introduction of THE BIG PENIS as a topic of discussion on talk radio. Remember when talk show hosts began telling penis jokes? Remember when people thought Imus and Howard Stern were funny? You don't? Too bad you missed it. It was a sea change moment in popular culture.

Anyway, it stands to reason that if a man's going to talk about his imaginary big penis, he needs a not-so-imaginary big pen to go with it. Something for him to wave about authoritatively whilst he pontificates on the depth and length and breadth of things in general. Hence, the BIG FAT PEN....



Of course, just as these men are HUGE DISAPPOINTMENTS in the bedroom (at least, that's what their secretaries tell me), so are their pens a tall tail between the legs when pressed to the paper. Truth be told, no one has ever written anything of significance with one of these instruments of dillusion. No siree Bob. And sad to say, they're no good for anything else. Too big to stick in your pocket. Too thick to slip into your journal. All in all, little more than candidates for the compost heap...

Meanwhile, introducing from the EAST, from the People's Republic of China, the FLAT PEN...



A flat pen that fits into a book or journal or checkbook or daytimer without breaking the spine or leaving a huge unwelcome indentation. It's about 4.5 inches long, 7/16th of an inch wide, and a mere 1/8th inch thick. The clip adds another 1/16ths of an inch to the thickness, but still lies flat. While the build quality is a little on the light side, it's a pretty stable writing instrument for short sessions. There's some flex in the pen body if you exert some force on it, but it's one step above the usual cheapo novelty pen. They are also cooler-looking than those goofy folding pens you see at Staples. The brand name is Grippa Slip and the website is here.

You can order them customized with your own logo. If you're near a Barnes & Noble, the flat pens are packaged as bookmark pens and cost $4.95 for a CD-style case of 8.

The Fourth Daughter - a play about a girl from Peru who counts on luck....both kinds of luck... by Dale Andersen